I do not have much news today.

I really don't have much to say.  I am upset because I know someone close to me is stealing from me.  I won't go into details but I really hate this.  I have decided that I will no longer carry any cash on me.  This way there is no money to steal.  I am really upset because I still do not have a lot of money coming in.  I have a $600.00 bill for insurance and my heat will run about 400.00 a month until March or so.  For anyone to be stealing money from me is so wrong it is not even funny.  The amount of money is small but it has happened two or three times now and I am pissed.  Carrying a small amount of cash has always made me feel more comfortable that I could get a soda or maybe buy a sandwich if I needed to and now I won't have that security.  The person who is doing this is scum. There is no doubt about it. I never forget when I have been betrayed.

I am sorry to other people who may be reading this I had to get that out.  The rest of my life is going OK.  I have not started working yet but I hope to soon.  They are doing a background check on me and I know I will not have criminal issues but credit issues will come up.  I hope it does not keep me from this job.  I also hope I work enough to bring in even a little regular money.  Even avoiding late fees on bills can be a big help.  It's wait and see time and I hate waiting.  I also have to say I think it's wrong to do credit checks on people for jobs unless they are working with a lot of money.  You can't fix bad credit without some kind of income.  Who among us has not had money issues lately?

Let's get off the worry subjects and look at what is going well.  I did get through this house mess finally.  I smile a lot more and feel much lighter going through my day.  I sleep better too.  I am worried about heat but so far it has not been too cold.  A little bit of oil seems to go a long way.  Weather predictions are calling for it to be cold Thursday to Friday.  I hope it is not true but I am going to try to be ready if it is.  Another good thing is that I seem to be on the verge of another opportunity in my career.If teaching these GED classes eventually gets me my own class, I will be earning my own money again. What a break that will be.  I have always loved being in a classroom.  I also love the idea of helping someone to achieve their goals.  This may be a good fit for me.  I think I will still struggle with money at least for a while.

I am excited about choir.  I just got back from rehearsal and it sounds awesome.  A few local choirs are singing together to participate in the local Magi fund concert.  The concert sells out every year.  The money from ticket sales is given to local homeless shelters and food pantries to help those who are homeless and poor.  Since I get served by a local food bank to supplement my food stamps.  I am giving and also helping myself.  That's kind of funny.  I hope to have enough money to buy a ticket for my care provider.  She bought me a ticket to her play. I must return the favor.  I believe the concert is the Saturday and Sunday before Thanksgiving.  Tickets are 15 dollars.  The show is at a local high school.  If anyone needs details you can contact me through this blog.  I will continue to sell Avon .  Help me out and do your Christmas shopping with Avon. 

My mom is also making crochet blankets, children's clothes and such.  I wear several ponchos and hats and winter gear she has made.  She does a good job and her stuff seems to last.  If anyone is interested contact me or Ana Weaver on facebook.  The last and final bit of news is that all four legged children are safe and accounted for.  They all come in at night now.  That makes me happy.  Though they are not a happy family by any means, they are all well, they get food and love.  This was supposed to be a short blog and turned into a long one.  May you all be safe, and have all the food, love and security you need.  And please take care.

More Updates.

I haven't written for a few days and I am sorry.  I had something going on that I could not talk about.  I have also been asked to do a lecture on disability for one of the education teachers on November 1 at 10 am and again at 5pm.  The class is Education 101.  This is a broad based introduction to education so I am sure a lot of my topics will discuss my take on educating people with disabilities.  Oh boy!  We will see where this leads.  I also had solo tryouts in choir last night.  I did not do as well as I would have liked.  I psyched myself out and got too nervous.  I need to learn to stop that.  In order to sing well I need to control my emotions and I have a lot of difficulty doing that.  I don't know how to help myself with this.  My nerves have gotten worse since I have gotten older.We will have to see if I got a solo.

I have another bit of good news. Chesapeake College is starting to give English as a second language and General Education classes in my area.  These English classes are for people who do not know how to speak read or write English well.  The General Education classes are for people who need to get their high school equivalency.  I have been hired as a substitute instructor for these classes.  I am not sure yet how often I will work so I will be looking for another part time way to get money.  The great part is they choose their instructors from their substitute pool.  This means I may be able to teach my own class someday.  My Master's degree is in adult education so I am qualified.  I may be a college instructor.  How cool!  In any case it is an opportunity I did not have before.  I hope to make the most of it.

Finally I have a sterling silver love knot ring size 5 It was an extra ring from Avon it costs $20.00.  If anyone is interested in buying it E mail me or reply to this blog.  If no one is interested I need to return it to Avon so grab it if you want it.Don't forget Christmas is coming and Avon has some great gifts and stocking stuffers. Contact me for books or ideas.  Take Care

Actually a pretty good day today.

I had a good day today.  I went out of the house.  That helped a lot.  I had lunch with my care provider around 1130 and I am still not very hungry.  We went to La Roma an Italian restaurant down the street from me.  I got a notice that solos tryouts will be next Tuesday.  We are doing Irving Berlin song and some classical music too.  I like the Irving Berlin stuff and have been listening to recordings and watching videos from You Tube.  Someone complimented me on the way I looked today too.  That made me feel good.  I hope the good feeling lasts.  I can feel the anxiety getting the best of me.

My disability is Cerebral Palsy.  It affects the motor functions and the nerve connections in your body.  So It's hard to control my breathing and lungs when I get nervous.  The thing that bothers me the most is I used to be better at controlling these muscles.  I have not put as much effort at singing as I would like to.  I would really like to take lessons again at this point I/can't afford it.  I have come up with a plan to help with the nerves.  I will just keep going over these songs until singing them is second nature.  My roommates will just have do deal with it or wear ear muffs in the house. :)  The other thing I do is put too much pressure on myself.  I get so hyped up that when the audition comes I lose it.  I have to practice but stay relaxed.  That is the tough part.  I do think that when you have a disability like mine and you must do something that takes muscle control and can get you nervous the only thing you can do is do it so many times it becomes like second nature.  It helped when I was swimming too!  I would do really good in practice and then the meet would come and I would freeze.  When I was in practice, if I signed up for a 200 ( 8 lengths of the pool) I would have to do a 200. stop, wait a minute, do another 200, stop ,wait and so on at least 8 or 10 times.  That way when the race actually came one little 200 was so easy it was no problem.  I must handle these songs this way too.  It will help a lot.  Wish me luck and take care

Sometimes things get stuck

I have had a bad few days lately.  I have been really down and really desperate to change anything about my life.  I get sad at anything.  Not even my beloved movies don't cheer me up.  I am at my wits end.  I was watching Glee on demand last night.  It was all about trying for the school musical.  We never had musicals in high school when I was there.  It might have been difficult for me to be in one since dancing while using a wheelchair needs some careful choreography at best.  I do have fond memories of trying to fit in on a show choir type song and always smile a bit at Glee for having Artie.  I do love a musical though.  I have seen several on and off Broadway.  That may be why I woke up and had this song playing in my head all day

The lyrics of the song are as follows.
Maybe this time I'll be lucky..Maybe this time he'll stay.
Maybe this time for the first time, love won't hurry away.
He will hold me fast.  I'll be home at last.
Not a loser anymore like the last time and the time before.

Ev'ry body loves a winner so nobody loved me.
Lady peaceful, Lady happy
That's what I long to be.

All the odds are in my favor Something's bound to begin.
It's gotta happen happen sometime
Maybe this time I'll win.


This song is about being accepted finally.  I think most people have felt like an outcast at sometime.  Some people never find their place in the world.  I am very worried I will never find my place.  In order not to be driven absolutely crazy, some part of me must need to be optimistic that my life will change.  I am trying to make things better.  This song is for all the optimists.  Hang in there and hope for each other.  Take Care

Kitty Issues

Today may be the last of the beautiful days for fall.  I had to mail in my first weeks job contacts so I stepped out to mail a letter.  I enjoyed sitting out but fighting cats brought me back inside.  I get so frustrated with them.  I am tired of two of them fighting all the time.  Now they will be OK inside. If my Minnie goes out Pepper tries to stop her from coming back in.  If I lock them in they will eventually fight and the smaller cat Minnie will cower in the corner or hide someplace where I don't see her for weeks.  When I first figured out this was happening last year.  I would bring Minnie in after her being missing for a week or so.  She would hide in a covered box. By the next morning she would be gone and it would be another week or so for me to get her.  I have sprayed pepper with salt water until he is soaked in the back.  I have locked both of them in separate rooms. Neither of them liked that. Today Minnie was trying to wait for me to open the door to get in and Pepper chased her across the street.  I went in and got the spray bottle.  While Pepper was waiting to cross the street Minnie snuck up behind Pepper.  When he crossed the street and ran away from the spray bottle,  Minnie ran in the house.  Now they are less than 5 feet away from each other.  Both are resting.  It seems like a game to Pepper but not a game to Minnie.  She is honestly hiding and cowering unless I am there.  I know it stems from jealousy but I have tried to praise Pepper and pet him when he behaves well.  It just doesn't stick.  A few weeks later he chases Minnie away or tries to keep her from coming home.  Things have gotten better.  I see Minnie every day.  I know she eats.  I wake up at night sometimes to find Pepper at my feet and Minnie on my shoulder. I worry though that when and if I ever work again Minnie will disappear  and die somewhere of starvation because I could not monitor the situation and work.  I would love to say that my four legged children are more important than any job.  We all know that is not true. I have gone back and forth about giving up Pepper.  I don't want to break any one's heart even a kitty's.  All he has to do is stay away from her.  It's not much to ask but it's a lot for him.What do I need to do to teach him to leave her alone?  Suggestions are appreciated.  Take Care

Not a bad day but A new worry

It's been a decent few days.  It's been warm so I am not worried about heat.  I went to see my care provider's play.  I thought she did a great job.  She even acted a bit more than she did when we ran lines together.  The history of her church was interesting.  She rocked her costume. The plain brown skirt from my wardrobe plus a shirt from Goodwill a scarf on her head and a hat for later really worked! How cool what a little imagination can do. Now I have a new worry though. I need to change from happy to scared There is yet another round of unemployment coming.  I would like to take part.  I need the extra for heat until energy assistance comes in.  The problem that I have is that they require 4 job contacts per week.  You must turn in a paper with a list of your contacts.  If they don't get the list you don't get benefits.  I think the contact list is actually a good thing.  I like showing people how much I have tried.  People need to see that when you have a disability you can try and try for jobs and no one will hire you.  Maybe they can report these findings and people will stop and think about why they are excluding people with disabilities so often.  The problem I have is that there may not be four jobs I can do.  I have no problem working a minimum wage job if that's all there is but I need to be able to do the majority of the job.  For example I would never apply to be a ditch digger. Since I cannot use a shovel or dig a ditch. Some one told me that there was a local company asking for temp workers to work door to door.  I told her I couldn't do that job.  When she asked why, I reminded her that I couldn't go door to door if I couldn't actually reach the door to knock on it.  Most houses don't have ramps to get to the door.  Her own home included.  A job dealing with people is preferred.  Another rule of this program is that you cannot turn down a job.  If you are offered one you must take it.  As long as I think I can do it I will take it.  The only thing I can do is keep looking but it's wearing me down.  There is only so much rejection a person can take before they feel like nothing and people with disabilities often get to that point and beyond.  I can tell you if I did not need this money I would not do this program.  I am beyond the point of feeling like nothing.  I never thought I wold be the person with the disability who would give up but I just don't see it getting any better.  I may have to swallow the fact that I will never work again.  I may never achieve the self sufficiency I wanted for myself.  This is not hat I wanted.  Anyway take care and good luck

I must speak up about this.

I recently heard a news story about two teenage boys in California.  Both of them were around the age of 14.  Both boys came from abusive family backgrounds. The difference between them is one was beginning to dress more feminine and come out as gay.  The other was not. I read in the press and watched on TV that the boys picked on EACH OTHER.  One made fun of the other because of his sexual orientation and the other boy used his gender identity and sexual orientation to make the person picking on him uncomfortable. It also made fellow students question the shooter's orientation. One day the boy who was not gay took a gun and shot his gay classmate in the head twice.  The shooting took place in the middle of the classroom during class.  The killer was taken into custody and three years later the trial is about to begin. Now at issue; Is this boy being tried as an adult.

I know what it is like to be bullied.  I have also grown up with friends who are gay. To be honest when I was in middle school if I saw a guy who liked to dress in women's clothes I would be a bit uncomfortable too. I do not believe this person should be tried as an adult.  I think we have a great chance here to study what makes this kind of human being take that kind of action.  Why did he kill?  What made him snap?  Put this kid in a psychiatric facility and keep him there until he is more stable.  Then don't just release him but watch him for a while.  A 14 year old does not have the brain that an adult does.  They have a lot more learning and growing to do before they are adult.  Do not put this boy in an adult prison.  We should not throw away two lives.  This is our chance to see what we can do to stop situations like this from happening again.  We need to be honest with ourselves as a society and realize that we reject and shun people that are different on a daily basis.  In school kids that are different are scary they make kids feel uncertain.  Kids make fun to show power over the one that is different.  I am not like her so I make fun.  Or If I make fun I will fit in with the group that I want.  In society as adults those of us that are different may not be made fun of ,but we are not hired or kept from doing our job.  Or we aren't allowed to participate in activities or we are isolated from others.  We need to stop this at 5 or 6 or 14 so that at 30 or 40 we don't do this to anyone at anytime.  There is a whole movement about anti bullying.  I agree that we should be doing this.  If we are really going to tackle this issue we need to look at it from every side.  That means that bin order to raise fair and tolerant children we should be fair and tolerant adults.  Most of us have a lot of work to do.  Anyway take care

In a bad mood today.

I'm in a mood today.  I want to do nothing.  I mean nothing.  This mood semi concerns me.  It could mean I am not feeling well.  It could mean the beginning of another major depressive episode.  It could be that my hormones are going a bit nuts and I just need to wait it out.  Either way I hated life today.I did not want to get  the four legged children together for their morning snack.  I did not really want to get out of my chair before choir; (if I don't get out sitting so long will be painful)  Then when it was time to get in the chair again I did not want to get in.  I really did not want to go to choir.  I did not want to eat.  I just did not want to do anything except watch TV and sleep.  What a day!

When I was being teased horribly by kids in school the one fun thing I did was sing.  On a good day, the same kids who laughed and made fun of my bladder issues would give me a standing ovation in the school talent show.  My choir teacher would pick the music for me but I could rock a song.  This same teacher taught you that there is no excuse for missing a rehearsal except illness or death.  She also said that death of self or immediate family was the only reason to miss a performance.  By the time I got to be a senior in high school all the stresses at home and at school turned into a pretty bad flu.  After a day or two of missing school because I honestly could not move without help, my dad finally found a doctor who took my temperature and announced I definitely needed to stay home.  I took a week off of school.  That meant I missed three choir classes (these were rehearsals).  At the end of that semester I got a B in chorus.  Dad was more mad than I was.  I was so used to her policy I understood the grade and tried to explain it to my dad.  :)  So Ms.  Wright if you are out there.  You are the reason I dragged myself to choir today.  You are the reason I call the director if I need to miss anything.  Another thing she used to do is put us in trios (groups of three)  and quartets (groups of four) all with different parts to make sure we knew our music.  People hated it.  It built my confidence.  After high school, too many not good enoughs and too many missed solos have ruined my confidence.  I would really love to get it back.  I loved feeling like a star even if I will never be one.  How do I build my confidence back?  Be your own star and take care

Today was sort of a working day

I worked on stuff a bit today.  I made sure that my bills were budgeted so that I would have money left over to pay next month's mortgage by the first.   I made a list of a small Avon order.  The next order goes in tomorrow by noon and I need to check a ring size before I put the order in.  I made a poster that says I am selling Avon.  My care provider will take it in to epilepsy along with the first holiday catalog.I ate some leftover soup and a can of ravioli for dinner.  Not the best but I won't starve either.  My fridge is looking a little bare though.  I have two days before I get anymore money.  My roommates usually pay me on the 5th.  This month I am taking some of their money and putting it into my bank.  I am trying to keep really good track of what I spend.  I really want to start saving for my homeowners insurance due in December.  It's a huge chunk of money and I have a hard time getting it every year but I seem to make it.  Let's hope I make it this year. 

I have to say I am ready to have some fun again.  I am wondering what inexpensive thing can I do?  I need to check out the colleges activities.  I know there is a homecoming barbecue and football game in November.  My care provider has her church play this Saturday.  That ought to be some fun.  I did help her with lines and costume choices so I am curious to see what the finished play looks like.  Now I am going to get ready for bed.  It's cold I want to get under the covers.  Happy October and take care. 

I am reminded today

I got a reminder today that fall is here and soon I will need to get some kind of heat in here.  I have hot oil base board heat.  This means that oil heats water through a small boiler in my laundry room.  The hot water gets circulated through the pipes in my house. These pipes give off heat that heats the house.  It is a very good heat when you have oil.  Right now I don't have oil.  I try to keep the house at 65 degrees to help save the amount of oil I use but oil is very expensive and I hate being cold.  I mean I HATE being cold.  It actually hurts all the bones that have been broken and The joints and muscles that have not been affected by my 2 car accidents will become very stiff and tight.  This will make it more difficult for me to move around.  I have a Snuggie.  It's one of those blakets you can wrap your self up in.  It does help.  I can't wear it when I sit in the chair. It gets in the way of the wheels.  The Snuggie becomes a fancy blanket.  I can only use it when I am out of the chair. I do have energy assistance.  It helps pay for some of this stuff.  I can' rely on that though. The reason why I can't rely on energy help is because I applied in the beginning of July.  I was approved but now its the beginning of October and the check has yet to be given to my electric company.  I will get assistance for heat but it supposed to come in November.  At the rate they are going it may not get here until January and its time to re apply.

I know it seems that I am a broken record.  I complain about one thing and then get that resolved and complain about the next thing.  I don't want to be like this.  I do want to let people see what it's like to live with a disability and depend on public assistance for everything.  It's not I have my disability money for fun and the government takes care of the rest.  It's a struggle to live.  I love to shop for clothes and things and go to shows and movies and trips.  On public assistance all that stops.  Your food stamps don't get you to the end of the month.  You have to spend some of your disability money.  The energy and heat assistance may pay for a month or two but you have to pay the rest.  If you are lucky enough to get housing help, government money doesn't pay for it all.  You must pay too.  So before you know it your 6 or 7 hundred dollar a month check is gone.  You are left with nothing.  You are now sad and depressed because you have no money to have fun with.  All you do is wait for the few days or week or whatever until the first of the month and you get money again.  You learn to go from one free place to another and get whatever crap you can get.  You also learn that if you do get money you must hide it or spend it before anyone knows about it. If you don't your assistance gets taken away. That really doesn't help people learn to save and prepare for later in life.  I am grateful for the assistance I have gotten.  I wish it covered more but I know that more people need this now and money needs to be spread out.  I just wish we could make it so people who need this assistance are not people who are homeless or a step above.  We rally need to find some way to bring back a middle class.  If you consider that it now takes about $2,000 per month to run my home. With roommates I get about 1650.00 per month.  You see my issue.  When I do have a job I feel rich because I am not used to having money left over.  When I was making 21,000 a year  and getting money from roommates I had to be reminded I was still under the poverty level.  By no means do I expect the government to give me money to make me rich.  I sure wish they would help me not be broke.  The next time you see someone with a disability spending their money on something really stupid, try to remember for that day, at that time, they were probably just sick of being a victim of the system.   Take Care