Look at the little things.

I actually had a pretty good day today.  There was lots of sun when I woke up.  All four legged children were safe and loving.  I had to go to the store today.  The four legged children had no morning tuna.  (It keeps them happy so they don't fight as much)  I could not decide what I wanted for dinner.  I also had no frozen veggies in my freezer.  So I checked and I had $60 left on my food stamps and a little cash from AVON.  It was enough to get a little at the store.  I bought some ground beef and ground turkey.  I also found a small chuck roast for my crock pot and some hot dogs.  I got some frozen veggies, some Granola Thins, some small chips, some soda, some milk, some tomato sauce, a turkey sub, and of course some tuna.  I was hoping I would not go over and have to put back.  Not only did I not go over, the food stamp card covered everything.  I didn't have to pay any cash.  This means that I will end this month with some, not much but some cash in my pocket.  Though I am still broke this makes me feel less broke and I think that is important. 

The other thing I got to do today was be a bit creative.  My care provider is in a play celebrating the origins of her church.  She has a decent part and I got to go shopping online without spending any money.  We needed to look for a costume for her.  The 1800's puts her in the Victorian era.  I love Victorian era clothes.  We saw some clothes at a web site.  I had a long brown skirt that would work and she found a white button down blouse at Goodwill.  Some black shoes with a small heal and a hat will do if we can find it.  It really doesn't matter if it looks old.  The women of this church were poor.  I love doing this kind of stuff.  How do you get to be a personal shopper?  I don't know.  I bet you need to know the rich and famous.  I don't.  Oh well.  

I have also been given permission to drop my Avon stuff off at my local agency.  I can do more creative stuff here.  Flyer's and the books will do well here.  I may get some new customers.  Yea.  It feels good to feel good if that makes any sense.  This is my mood today.  Take care

Do you ever

Do you ever wonder what people are thinking?  Not just gee I wonder what he's thinking.  More like,  What in blazes are they thinking when they do this?  I do quite often.  The latest target of my what in blazes statement are my roommates.  They have a family member who gets housing and other services from a local agency for the mentally ill.  I get services from their clinic due to my own issues with depression but I have never received any type of housing or other services  from this agency.  I have received mixed reviews from people who do get services from there.  My roommates are very cash poor but reasonably educated people who seem to lack some social skills.  The family member has a severe mental illness and has been institutionalized in the past but functions with supports fairly well. (some say better than my roommates)

I need to describe them a bit so you get the idea.  These are people who have both had at least 2 years of college.  They are mother and son. She has a 4 year education degree.  He has a two year human services degree.  It seems to be social work basics. They have their own bond and I honestly get along with the son better.  It is clear that in this family mom is in charge.  My roommate the son gets upset easily and will often need to be left alone. He will often pout.  He is older than me I am 44 this year.  He is not the one with the mental illness.  The son with the mental illness was diagnosed with a severe mental illness as a teenager.  This was not common for the time.  He had to be institutionalized for most of his teenage years and some of his young adult years.  They don't say much about his symptoms but I got the fact that it was very scary for everyone.  My roommates have lived here almost a year and I do a WTF almost daily. (Those of you who know me will know what I mean)  Here's why.  He has a two year degree in human services and because he has little money, he and his mom often go to the community for help and low cost programs.  He gets mad when those programs get cut.  Yet they do not believe in big government.  WTF?  Where do they think the money comes from?  The latest WTF is that they wanted to get the son that gets services from an agency a flu shot.  The agency was hesitating on helping schedule such things.  The agency became bad at their jobs and a bad place to get services.  This coming from someone with a human services background.  Here is why I do a WTF. 

1. No one ever talked to the son getting services to see if he wanted a flu shot.
2. No one ever talked to the agency to see if they were giving flu shots.
3. No one ever talked to the agency to see what the problem was.

Now feelings are hurt. People are angry.  All they need to do is ask why.  It's just a little word but it means a lot. 

I have two degrees a Bachelor of Arts in Sociology and  a Master's degree in adult education.  I do not have a social work degree.  I can still see that something else is going on here.  I went to choir practice to clear my head and when I came home I told them that I was an outsider looking in but I think that my roommates need to answer these questions before they get all upset.  It could also be that the staff at the agency would like to see this person speak up for himself more often so that he can begin to express his own wants and needs.  He has been out of the institution for decades now.  These are important skills.  If the agency wants him to do it himself, they will not jump just because the family wants it.  I'd like to think I am a good advocate both for myself and for others if needed.  I know it can be hard sometimes.  We all want to jump in and fix the issue or problem.  Sometimes it's just about giving someone the tools to do it themselves.  Please ask and work for what you want you will never get it otherwise.  Take Care

There is is job fair coming up

There is a job fair coming up in town here.  I am trying to decide if I want to spend money to go to it.  I have been to two of these job fairs since I have been out of work.  It gets to the point where you can almost tell by the looks on people's faces, there is no place for me here.  That is how I feel too there is no place for me here.  I am too disabled and not happy sitting on my butt all day doing nothing.  I used to look at a job fair with some excitement.   It's my chance to network.  My chance to tell people I am here!  Now I look at the fliers and think What is the point?  When people look at you they see a chair.  Even those who supposedly are trained to see the human being.  They just channel you to the disability people.  I have already been there several times.  I need a new place to look or new thing to do.  Madonna gets to reinvent herself every few years.  Why can't I?  OK so I don't have the rocking body.  I may not have all the talent but I am talented and I can do something.  My last employers made me feel like nothing towards the end but my understanding was they did that to a lot of people.  When they were done with you they were done and that was it.  I have done some other things that would lead someone to believe that I would be an asset.  I love talking.  I will listen to any one's issue and try to find a solution.  I like understanding all sides of things.  I need to deal with this the same way I dealt with the house mess.  From the point of view of this isn't working what else can I do?  If anyone has any ideas of things I might be able to try I am open. 

I.m thinking I need to branch outside of this closed place.  With Internet access a phone and a voice I should be able to do this.  Is there a class is self marketing?  I bet if I knew how to market myself better I could be a little more successful and a little less desperate.  Honestly I can see things may be getting better for me but it's just too slow I want to help it along.  Who can I write and say "HIRE ME!"  Who can I talk to that just might make a difference?  I need to take ACTION.  The definition of insanity is doing the same behavior over and over expecting a different result.  I may be crazy and sometimes a bit stupid but I am not insane!  It's time to change my path.  Not sure where yet.  I'll keep ya posted.  All I know is every time I say I'm giving up I have a voice in my head that says no!  Maybe we should listen to that voice.  Take care and be safe.  shop Avon

Things seem OK now

I am so glad things are settling down.  I sleep better now that I am not worried that every knock on the door is the sheriff serving me with foreclosure papers. My bank could still file papers, but I have a real weapon now with this EMA loan.  I have paid October's payment so I feel much more confident that things will work out.  I am waiting for next months money to come in so I can do something for fun.  Me and my care provider talked about going to a local restaurant for some local Chicken and dumplings or something like that.  These dishes are popular here though they are not good for you.  With the care provider here I have certainly eaten my share of dumplings.  A nice lunch out though will lift my day. 

Another thing going well is Avon.  I have put in orders for every campaign.  These orders are not huge most of the time but they are something.  I do not like that there needs to be a 50 dollar minimum.  It's bad for Avon to make this a minimum when people don't have much money.  So far I have gotten some really good orders.  Both personal orders and on the web site. To shop Avon go here.  Bigger orders are hard for me because people don't want to give their money before the order comes in.  The way it works is I place an order to Avon. I have to pay Avon the cost of this order.  Then if I don't owe Avon I get  a percentage of the total order.  If someone orders 200 dollars worth of product, I can't pay 200 dollars because I don't have that money.  Unless you pay when you place the order, I can't place that order.  I have had it happen twice now where someone asks me to place an order but they never pay me.  Then I have to cancel the order.  It's kinda why I push the web site.  I still get the credit, but your products go directly to you.  It's the best of both worlds.

I got some bad news today though.  The teacher who's class I normally speak to cannot fit me in this semester.  This is a bad thing.  I love doing these classes. I love the idea that something I am doing is making people think a lot.  I also need the money.  This was supposed to be extra fun money.  I was hoping to be able to shop or see a movie or something. Nothing I can do about it though except hope things will change.   I can do the speaking at a moments notice if I can get there.  Not much more to say today.  That's whats is going on in my world.  Chat with me on Facebook or drop me a line to tell me what's up with you.  Take care

Sorry I haven't written.

I am sorry I haven't written in so long.  I haven't been sick.  I haven't given up on writing since no one really seems to read this and I never seem to get many comments.  My blog is definitely not a popular one.  I haven't even been thrown out of my house yet.  In fact I have spent the last week or so finalizing the papers for Emergency Mortgage Assistance.  This is a state program that helps people who are behind in their mortgage.  The state loans you up to 50,000 dollars to catch your mortgage up.  They then support you in paying part of your mortgage for two years.  After the two years are over.  You must pay your mortgage on time for another five years.  If you have paid everything on time, you do not have to pay back this loan.  This loan is only for people who really want to stay in their home.  There are other things to do if you need to give it up.  for more info on mortgage assistance go to Hope.  Right now they are not taking new applications but it pays to speak to people who help with these matters.  On your states web site there may be links that will help you with foreclosure issues.  Try to stay with people within your own state it makes things easier.  I have learned that from personal experience.  Find out what the foreclosure laws are in your state even if your mortgage company is not in your state the property address makes a difference.  Don't give up and walk away unless you have no other choice.  An abandonment or foreclosure can really wreck your credit.  You will need credit to find  a new place if needed.  If you are looking for help, call and write everyone you can think of.  Stick with places like Housing and Urban Development and Congressmen Senators Governor's and even the US President.  You never know who can help you.  Pay your mortgage company as regularly as you can.  Cut back on other things and even fun stuff.  A roof is more important. 

After I signed the papers for the EMA loan earlier this week, I slept.  I slept for 10 hours for at least 2 days.  I feel like I can really concentrate on getting a job and doing other things in my life.  I would really like to make some new friends maybe find a significant other.  I don't really like on line dating.  I really like talking to someone face to face.  How can I set things up to develop the art of conversation?    It also looks like I am getting some help with the rest of my household bills too.  The state's energy assistance program has come through for me.  It isn't a lot of money but it will help for at least 2 months.  The only thing that bothers me is that the mortgage company is still harassing me for a short sale.  I think this is because it takes time to receive payment.  They haven't received it yet.  We will see what happens.  Things seem to be looking up.  Hope it's the same for you.  Take Care  Do your Christmas shopping with me buy Avon .

I have to say something about 9/11

It has been 10 years since the worst terrorist attacks the U.S.  has ever seen.   It has been 10 years since my dad died.  He died in December of 01.  When 9/11 happened he was showing signs of being ill.  I was working at the local library then.  They had pulled out a small TV so we could all see the news reports.  I remember watching the tower fall.  It crumpled like a paper accordion.  I was worried about my dad who was spending days on the couch.  I was horrified at what I was seeing on the news.  When I got home that day the horrifying images were still on TV.  I remember my father saying "This is an act of war!"  Though I believe in avoiding and preventing war at almost all costs, this time I could not disagree with him. Some one had come into our country and took innocent lives.  The people who died on this day were either trying to get through a basic work day or trying to help someone who had been a victim of this act.  This was the first real act of war I had ever seen. 

I went to NY that year just to have some fun.  The bus drove by the hole where the towers once stood.  I remember thinking "I don't want to see this!"  I went to NY to have fun not to cry or wonder about those who passed on.  I came home the next day and showed dad the playbill from the play I saw and whatever junk I bought from a street vendor.  Shortly after that day we took him to the hospital.  Two weeks after he was admitted to the hospital.  He passed away.

My father almost never gave me money.  Few people know that he did give to other people.  Once a lady came to the door asking to use the phone.  I was alone in the house so I did not let her in and blocked the door with my chair.  The lady was trying to convince me to let her in.  My dad came home in the middle of all this and I told him she wanted to use the phone because she did not have money for a taxi. She needed to call a relative.   Dad gave her 20 dollars!  Once his car had been broken into and they stole a jacket.  Dad said "Well they must have needed it."  When I think of 9/11 I can't help but have memories of my dad.  I often said he must have been needed in heaven to sort out all the mess from 9/11.  I am sad and angry that all those people died.  I am sad and angry that my dad is dead.  We have different reasons to grieve, but we grieve just the same.  I hope my dad thinks of me.  I think of him every day.  I don't have much of a reason for him to be proud.  I hope that changes soon.  I hope the futures of the families that are grieving are happy ones.  May your anger and sadness be changed into hope and action.  Take care

Today I have had it!

Today was just one of those days.  I spent most of the day on the computer and phone trying one more time to help myself in this housing mess.  I spoke with yet another bank representative who told me that they have not given the underwriter the information he needs because they do not have permission from me.  WHAT!  After I don't know how many phone calls to both the underwriter and the bank.  I am almost on my knees begging for the right information going to the right people.  How long am I supposed to wait here?  I finally wrote a letter and faxed it to my bank saying that the state can look at my file.  If anyone had told me I needed this I could have done it much earlier!  I know the state has a release from me.  I remember signing it.  Hopefully this letter will open up some lines of communication.

I really really want to be an up beat person.  I can feel life dragging me down.  I just spoke with the underwriter who says he is not worried.  He is a nice guy but his job is to sign papers and look at numbers all day long.  There is a human being and three four legged children here.  Though they have no idea whats up they do know their parent and grandparent is stressed.  This is a huge part of me stabilizing my life after a huge drop.  I am trying I really am trying to make my life better.  I have some support.  I hope it's enough to get me through this.  Take care.

Now I am really worried.

I have spent the better part of most of my life fighting for one thing or another.  Usually I fight to be a part of something.  Sometimes I fight to go somewhere.   Sometimes I fight to get a new service or new program.  I like it best when I am fighting for someone else to get what they want.  I hardly ever fight for things to stay the same.  Today though that is what I am doing.  I am now getting paperwork from my mortgage company encouraging me to apply for a government short sale.  The short sale is what you can do when you can't pay your mortgage.  You sell your home. (Usually for less than what you owe) Then you give that money to the bank that has your mortgage and you walk away.  They agree not to pursue the rest of what you owe.  A lot of people have success with a short sale.  It can be a good thing for people who have no other way out.

I have been told I have a way out!  An underwriter for my states housing authority has agreed to give me a loan to make the mortgage current!  But I can't seem to get the correct paperwork to the correct people!  This is really scary and irritating.  I worry all the time.  I am sad.  I know that if things go bad here and I have to leave it will break my spirit and I will not survive it.  The thought of having to give up the four legged children brings me to tears.  With a broken wheelchair I went to choir practice.  People kept looking at me and asking, "Are you OK?  or  "How are you doing?"  I knew I wasn't myself.  I have a few months and a few things I can do yet.  One thing I might have to do is wait until they actually put me in foreclosure, get the paperwork from that and send it to the state who will then hopefully quickly issue a check to the mortgage company.  But so far the paperwork has not been filed.  I am technically not in foreclosure and would like to avoid it.  I may also be able to get free advice from a lawyer who knows the law in my state.  It might help.  It might not.  I would hate to lose my home because of a technicality.  Put me in your prayers.  I need them.  and take care.

Things are starting to settle down

Between the hurricane and my life in general I have been feeling like things are in a big disaster.  Though I he think I have found some help to prevent foreclosure, things are still proceeding in a bad way and mostly because the company that has my mortgage is so slow with the paperwork no one gets what they need until much later and then it's too late.  So just when I think I can put my anxieties aside and get a decent nights sleep for once something else stops it.  What do I do in this case?  I sit on the phone between mortgage companies and underwriters and lawyers.  I need customer service but I get transferred to collections.  I need answers to questions that no one knows the answers to.  I am really preparing to go to court and hoping it never has to happen.  (If my mortgage company would get off their A##, and send appropriate paperwork, I would be OK.)  I really am tired of limbo it's a bad place to be. 

I have dreams of getting a job and selling Avon and getting enough money to go back to school and becoming the areas best mediator.  If I can control my emotions better this is doable.  Mediation is a process where two people sit down with a third party and try to come to a solution that both parties can live with.  In order for mediation to work well, the mediator cannot take sides.  This is hard to do because we all have our personal opinions and beliefs.  I love mediation and have seen it work well.  I have also seen it go bad and when it goes bad IT goes BAD,  If you are a mediator you must respect the process.  But people have their own views of things and sometimes they flat out lie.  Other times the solution is right in front of you and the people involved are too close to see it.  Mediation can be done in divorce child custody, Americans with Disabilities Act cases and any sort of family conflict you can dream of.  I have mediated some practice cases and got good feedback.  It is like teaching for me and takes a lot of my energy.  If I do work out this house issue and go back to school it will be hard work.  School has always been the place that I go when I hit rough patches in my life.  This one has been the roughest.  I am ready for a smoother road.  Even if the road is a bit uphill.  Take care  Buy Avon

Back from the depths of my own hell

I have survived the hurricane.  On Saturday August 27, we had all prepared for the hurricane we had coming.  As my care provider was getting me ready to withstand the storm, a stupid police officer rode by and stated that we were under a mandatory evacuation.  My street as listed but only part of the street was under evacuation according to the local news website.  I called the hurricane hot line the day before and asked about my address.  They said I was not in a mandatory evacuation area.  Now I have the police riding up and down my street!  I have no bags packed and I have no transport out.  My care provider is now worried for my safety.  I am ANGRY.  I want to stay.  I live with 2 others who have a say in such a situation.  My care provider returns to her home and calls 911 from there.  I get a call from the local health department telling me she had called.  The health department also tells me that I am NOT in an evacuation area.  I told them the police came riding up and down my street.  The health department then called the fire department to get me out.  I really thought I was better off staying.  But my roommates also had a say and they decided since the police came by and one wanted to go and one wanted to stay so we left.  We had to go to a local emergency shelter.  Though this shelter took pets I did not have time to pack my four legged children who hate cages anyway.  So now I am on my way to the shelter in a fire truck, without my motorized chair and worried to death about my animals.

At the shelter, you got a cot and if you were lucky, a pillow and blanket.  I brought my own pillow but it did not matter.  I could not get up and down off the cot and if I got help to get down, there would be no way for me to get up the three or four times a night I use the bathroom.  I had to stay up in my chair the whole night.  About 4 or 5 in the morning things were just painful.  To top it off they kept it cold in the shelter to prevent the spread of germs.  I went home via transit on Sunday.  I had stayed up in my chair for 26 or 27 hours.  When I was able to get out of my chair I slept for 15 hours!  This horrible misadventure will never happen again.  I will not evacuate unless I am really sure something is going to flood my home.  Then I will go to my family's home.  I can't get up and down there either but there are people to help.  If I ever end up homeless, I will happily let my crazy family drive me crazy if they will give me a roof over my head!  I am happy to be home!  And all four legged children are dry and accounted for.  Take Care