Just a note.

OK so I have been bad and not posting the way I wold like to.  This is a bad time of year for me too.  My Father passed away December 6, 2001.  It has been 10 years and I miss him every day,  I know He had his issues but he did love me and want the best for me.  I wonder what he thinks now that things are going better but I am still basically unemployed.  Is it hard for him to be proud of me now?  I really miss taking him to lunch on his birthday and watching him with my four legged children.  He doesn't know any of the ones I have now.  I miss you dad and love you.

On the upside of life, all Christmas presents have been ordered.  I have stayed within a decent budget this year with only immediate family and care providers getting gifts.  I am waiting for 2 to come in.  I had to order a lot online because my chair has finally had it and broke down about 3 weeks ago this Wednesday. I like ordering online because you get more choices.  I don't like ordering online because I hate to pay shipping costs for what I might be able to get here.  I also hate waiting for packages.  Especially for Christmases and Birthdays.  I always worry that they won't be in in time. I have a few more days before I really need to be concerned. I just wait and hope.

Living without a motorized chair has been the real challenge.  I am used to going where I want when I want. I actually had to give up a substitute job because I can't get out without help.  That is bad but there was really nothing I could do.   It's really frustrating when you have a chance to work and can't because you can't get there.  As a person diagnosed with depression, all of these challenges and issues build up and this time of year and I kick into survival mode.  But I'm still here.  I have a birthday coming up and I actually am looking foreword to it.  In any case,  That is what's up for now.  Catch up with everyone later and take care.

OK The race begins.

As you can read I survived Thanksgiving with my family.  I am still pretty pissed that the money was stolen.  I have had further bad luck in that my chair is severely broken.  It will probably take weeks to fix.  Luckily it seems that my insurance will cover all of this so I just need to wait.  I am not good at waiting.  I am impatient and really grouchy.  I do the best I can though.  Thank God I have a care provider.  With me not able to leave the house without help.  She has helped pay bills and been huge in making sure things get done.  I have paid my mortgage for this month despite the fact that my money was stolen.  I now need to pay my monthly bills and hope I have money left for Christmas. I will get a better idea what I will have as my regular bills get paid.  Honestly I expect it to be real close to breaking me.  Good things have happened to me before so I am hoping and praying good things will happen to me again.

What really makes me anxious is that I have a performance this weekend.  This is my big duet.  Epilepsy has promised to get me to most of the rehearsals left.  I just have to miss tonight.  To miss a rehearsal goes against everything I was taught.  Today I really have no choice.  I have spoken to my director.  He understands but is disappointed.  At least I will still be a part of the performance.  

My cat Minnie also refuses to come home.  I cannot protect her from the other cats as well in a push chair and need much more help.  So she is gone.  I am hoping I can get her back.  I'd hate to think of her not eating because I cannot get her.

These are the things that run through my head day and night,  Money Kitties Music other obligations,  all things that keep me awake.  So why is this titled The Race Begins and not not things that make me go

It's a race to see if my nerves will hold out long enough for me to pay my bills, perform my obligations and make it through Christmas before I have to be placed in a rubber room.  Wish me luck, take care. and please consider Avon

Still Angry

I got a call from the person who is stealing from me.  She told me taking money from that account was an honest mistake and she would pay me back.  She does not pay back money she owes often and I can honestly say I am not holding my breath that she will this time.  The problem is I KNOW taking this card was not an honest mistake.  IT WAS A CRIME!  I TOLD her not to take that card.  I TOLD her the only monies I have on that card go to the mortgage.  I am still so mad at this I could scream.  I want to have her arrested so bad.  I know it will cause more trouble than the money is worth.  She tells me she is my friend and I am her best friend.  What a load of  Bull CRAP!  No person would treat a friend like this.  I am angry at her. I am angry at her inconsideration.  She watched me struggle with all this homeowner mess and it took me almost 3 years to find a way out.  She knows how important it is for me to NOT default on this loan.  She just did not care.  She did not expect to get caught.  She is no friend of mine.

I have to be there with her over night for Thanksgiving.  I am going to hate it.  This is going to ruin Christmas too.  .I love Christmas with my family and all I can think of is this B took my money!  I know that we are supposed to forgive each other.  I honestly don't know if I can forgive her.  I would like to think I am a good person but I just don't know if I am that good.  I hate to think that I need to cut ties with my family but I just don't see any other way right now.  I will just have to stop asking them for their help with things.  It will cause a bit of a hardship but I may come out better in the end.  I wish I could post this where a million people will see it.  I need to get an idea what to do.  Should I go there for Christmas?   Should I begin to cut ties with my family?  What if it was just her and not him or them?  What do I do?  What a mess.  Anyway,  thoughts are appreciated.  Take Care

What about the people you know?

I told readers in a previous blog that someone close to me is stealing from me.  It started out with 20 or thirty dollars about 1 per month or so.  Maybe even a little less.  I hid my money so that this person would not be able to take any more from me.  Money is a lot of people's weakness.  I have needed money off and on in my life.  I certainly understand the pull to steal when you don't have it.  I thought if i removed the money the friendship could continue.  I have recently discovered that this person stole money from my account using my ATM card.  This money was being saved for my mortgage payment for December.  If you read my blog you have read about my struggles to stay in my home.  That Emergency Mortgage Assistance I got really bailed my butt out.  One of the requirements to getting the assistance loan is that you agree to give your portion of the mortgage payment by the first of every month.  THERE IS NO GRACE PERIOD.  If the money is not there I default on my loan and they stop helping me with the mortgage and I must PAY BACK everything that is owed.  In order for me to get the money there in time.  I save money from the month before.  So part of my disability money that I get for November goes to pay December's mortgage and so on.  This person took money from my payment for December.  I may not be able to earn enough money to replace it in time.  That means I will have to take out a pay day loan.  These are loans that are for small amounts of money that charge way too much interest.  While they have helped out in the past, I spend way too much paying them off.  I only use them in dire emergencies.

Crimes against people with disabilities are common.  In a 2007 Department of Justice report, People with disabilities are 1.5 times more likely to have crimes committed against them.  Since there are just reported crimes, I think the actual number is much higher.  As an advocate for people with disabilities, I would suggest that the victim of this crime do some very simple things.  Change her ATM Pin number or get a new card with a new pin.  I have opted to change my PIN number.  If this is person is in your home often, hide your valuables in a safe place and check your balances and monies often.   Consider reporting any theft to the local authorities.  I have hidden my money and my cards, changed my pin, I have my bank balances updated daily. (That is how I discovered this theft)  I have also notified the bank that this withdrawal was not authorized.  I would also tell the victim of this crime to consider not speaking or being around this person any longer.  In my case that will be difficult.  I believe the person who did this is close with my family.  If I have them arrested or pursue this matter, I may have to cut ties with my family.  I hate to do this especially around the holidays but I may have no choice.  I really do not want to go there for Thanksgiving.  I have about a week to make up my mind on that.  My my dad died in December.  I am now having financial issues.  It is important to me to share Christmas with my family.  I also hate the idea of being here alone.  I do know that I will not allow someone to take advantage of me to the point where I cannot keep a roof over my head or food on the table.  If I am pushed too far I will cut ties with my family.  I hope it does not come to that.  I hope you all are never put in this position and take care

Real Excited today.

It's getting closer and closer to my training day.  I am so happy something new is on the horizon.  I have spent so much time feeling down and upset about money issues this new opportunity is the spark I needed in my head so I did not give up.  I wonder what will be covered in the training?  Mostly how to do your time sheets and all.That is what the email hinted at.  It's really cool to know that something I got a degree in actually HELPED me here.  Sometimes I think that a degree can hurt more than it helps.  I have enough trouble with people not hiring me because I have an obvious disability.  I would be more of a hindrance than an asset.  Very few people will try to see past that to hire me.  I also have lots of problems because I have a degree.  I must be too smart to work at a small job and I am too much trouble to work at a big job.  So I am stuck.  I often feel frustrated and angry that seem to need to work but no one and I mean no one seems to see what talents I have to offer.  I keep getting put in a box.  Even when I worked as a disability advocate.  I had to do it their way.  I could only do what they wanted me to do the way they wanted me to do it.  I realize of course some of that is going to happen no matter what job you have.  Each person has to decide how to deal with the parts of the job that you don't like.  When you start feeling strangled and cornered it is not a good situation.  While I would not recommend that anyone do anything to get themselves fired, sometimes it does not matter as much how you leave as long as you leave.  I have now had a good two years to put my life together and I am ready put my skills to use.  I like the idea of teaching adults.  All the creativity without the stupid behavior.

I have some other news.  The solo list for choir came out.  I did not get a solo but I did get a duet.  I am OK with a duet.  In case there is a question, a duet is two  people singing,  I did not really get the song I wanted either.  I am OK with that too.  I really just want to sing as much as I possibly can.  This video is a version of my duet though mine is not quite this jazzy.  This one seems a bit more fun.  Take care

Back in the routine of things.

I have been a bit off kilter for a week or so.  I have felt tired and just under the weather.  Still now I have a headache and my nose is a bit blocked.  I am not sure of the symptoms.  Am I sick?  Am I in the middle of some strange PMS episode?  Whatever the symptoms mean I am trying hard to get back in my general routine of things including writing in this blog.  I have to say I am really excited about being a sub for Chesapeake College.  I really think this is my next opportunity to earn some money at something I really like.  It seems that I have passed the background check.  I have been asked to attend a training from 6 30 to 830 pm this Thursday.  I am really up for this but I had a major panic attack when I first read this.  Transit does not run from 630-830 at night.  This means if I went early I could take transit there but not be able to get a ride home.  The place where this is being held is only about a mile away.  Normally I could walk via wheelchair home with such short distance, but this place is not in the best neighborhood, the streets are narrow and not all of the curbs have ramps.  To be there alone after dark is not safe so to walk home alone is really not safe.  I really can't mess up such a great opportunity.  I talked to my local case manager.  He said that day was a bad day most of the staff that drives will be taking people on a vacation out of town.  They will not be back until after the training.  So I called my local mobility management team.  Each transit organization should have a local mobility manager.  These people help people who are new or people who need help figure out the local bus system.  I know that my local transit company gets a lot of its money from grants that help poor people get to and from work.  Around here a few local companies give money so that people have transportation to work.  I thought I might tag along under one of those grants.  When I explained the situation, the local mobility manager promised he would find an appropriate ride for me.  I could breathe a sigh of relief.

I have been dealing with an ancient wheelchair for sometime now.  The newest part that need replacing on this thing is the tires.  My insurance will pay for getting a new chair or it will pay for the tires on the old one.  It will not pay for both.  I really need a new chair so I decided to pay for the tires on my old chair.  Well I talked to the lady at a medical supply store and thought I had gotten the correct wheels.  I did not get the right ones.  I had plans to go to a reunion.  On the way too it the wheel bent and the tire came completely off.  My brother had to put the old wheel back on.  A perfectly good day was ruined!  Now I have to see if they will take the old tires back and let me exchange them for the correct tires.  I hope they will but I won't find out until tomorrow.  I am also stuck with still more paperwork.  Turn in my unemployment sheets.  Do I need to reapply for medicaid?  I got a letter but I am not sure since I got Medicaid through DDA.  GOD how I HATE paperwork.  Anyway I think things are going better for me though I still worry about money.  The next big bill is home owner's insurance.  Take care and wish me luck

I do not have much news today.

I really don't have much to say.  I am upset because I know someone close to me is stealing from me.  I won't go into details but I really hate this.  I have decided that I will no longer carry any cash on me.  This way there is no money to steal.  I am really upset because I still do not have a lot of money coming in.  I have a $600.00 bill for insurance and my heat will run about 400.00 a month until March or so.  For anyone to be stealing money from me is so wrong it is not even funny.  The amount of money is small but it has happened two or three times now and I am pissed.  Carrying a small amount of cash has always made me feel more comfortable that I could get a soda or maybe buy a sandwich if I needed to and now I won't have that security.  The person who is doing this is scum. There is no doubt about it. I never forget when I have been betrayed.

I am sorry to other people who may be reading this I had to get that out.  The rest of my life is going OK.  I have not started working yet but I hope to soon.  They are doing a background check on me and I know I will not have criminal issues but credit issues will come up.  I hope it does not keep me from this job.  I also hope I work enough to bring in even a little regular money.  Even avoiding late fees on bills can be a big help.  It's wait and see time and I hate waiting.  I also have to say I think it's wrong to do credit checks on people for jobs unless they are working with a lot of money.  You can't fix bad credit without some kind of income.  Who among us has not had money issues lately?

Let's get off the worry subjects and look at what is going well.  I did get through this house mess finally.  I smile a lot more and feel much lighter going through my day.  I sleep better too.  I am worried about heat but so far it has not been too cold.  A little bit of oil seems to go a long way.  Weather predictions are calling for it to be cold Thursday to Friday.  I hope it is not true but I am going to try to be ready if it is.  Another good thing is that I seem to be on the verge of another opportunity in my career.If teaching these GED classes eventually gets me my own class, I will be earning my own money again. What a break that will be.  I have always loved being in a classroom.  I also love the idea of helping someone to achieve their goals.  This may be a good fit for me.  I think I will still struggle with money at least for a while.

I am excited about choir.  I just got back from rehearsal and it sounds awesome.  A few local choirs are singing together to participate in the local Magi fund concert.  The concert sells out every year.  The money from ticket sales is given to local homeless shelters and food pantries to help those who are homeless and poor.  Since I get served by a local food bank to supplement my food stamps.  I am giving and also helping myself.  That's kind of funny.  I hope to have enough money to buy a ticket for my care provider.  She bought me a ticket to her play. I must return the favor.  I believe the concert is the Saturday and Sunday before Thanksgiving.  Tickets are 15 dollars.  The show is at a local high school.  If anyone needs details you can contact me through this blog.  I will continue to sell Avon .  Help me out and do your Christmas shopping with Avon. 

My mom is also making crochet blankets, children's clothes and such.  I wear several ponchos and hats and winter gear she has made.  She does a good job and her stuff seems to last.  If anyone is interested contact me or Ana Weaver on facebook.  The last and final bit of news is that all four legged children are safe and accounted for.  They all come in at night now.  That makes me happy.  Though they are not a happy family by any means, they are all well, they get food and love.  This was supposed to be a short blog and turned into a long one.  May you all be safe, and have all the food, love and security you need.  And please take care.

More Updates.

I haven't written for a few days and I am sorry.  I had something going on that I could not talk about.  I have also been asked to do a lecture on disability for one of the education teachers on November 1 at 10 am and again at 5pm.  The class is Education 101.  This is a broad based introduction to education so I am sure a lot of my topics will discuss my take on educating people with disabilities.  Oh boy!  We will see where this leads.  I also had solo tryouts in choir last night.  I did not do as well as I would have liked.  I psyched myself out and got too nervous.  I need to learn to stop that.  In order to sing well I need to control my emotions and I have a lot of difficulty doing that.  I don't know how to help myself with this.  My nerves have gotten worse since I have gotten older.We will have to see if I got a solo.

I have another bit of good news. Chesapeake College is starting to give English as a second language and General Education classes in my area.  These English classes are for people who do not know how to speak read or write English well.  The General Education classes are for people who need to get their high school equivalency.  I have been hired as a substitute instructor for these classes.  I am not sure yet how often I will work so I will be looking for another part time way to get money.  The great part is they choose their instructors from their substitute pool.  This means I may be able to teach my own class someday.  My Master's degree is in adult education so I am qualified.  I may be a college instructor.  How cool!  In any case it is an opportunity I did not have before.  I hope to make the most of it.

Finally I have a sterling silver love knot ring size 5 It was an extra ring from Avon it costs $20.00.  If anyone is interested in buying it E mail me or reply to this blog.  If no one is interested I need to return it to Avon so grab it if you want it.Don't forget Christmas is coming and Avon has some great gifts and stocking stuffers. Contact me for books or ideas.  Take Care

Actually a pretty good day today.

I had a good day today.  I went out of the house.  That helped a lot.  I had lunch with my care provider around 1130 and I am still not very hungry.  We went to La Roma an Italian restaurant down the street from me.  I got a notice that solos tryouts will be next Tuesday.  We are doing Irving Berlin song and some classical music too.  I like the Irving Berlin stuff and have been listening to recordings and watching videos from You Tube.  Someone complimented me on the way I looked today too.  That made me feel good.  I hope the good feeling lasts.  I can feel the anxiety getting the best of me.

My disability is Cerebral Palsy.  It affects the motor functions and the nerve connections in your body.  So It's hard to control my breathing and lungs when I get nervous.  The thing that bothers me the most is I used to be better at controlling these muscles.  I have not put as much effort at singing as I would like to.  I would really like to take lessons again at this point I/can't afford it.  I have come up with a plan to help with the nerves.  I will just keep going over these songs until singing them is second nature.  My roommates will just have do deal with it or wear ear muffs in the house. :)  The other thing I do is put too much pressure on myself.  I get so hyped up that when the audition comes I lose it.  I have to practice but stay relaxed.  That is the tough part.  I do think that when you have a disability like mine and you must do something that takes muscle control and can get you nervous the only thing you can do is do it so many times it becomes like second nature.  It helped when I was swimming too!  I would do really good in practice and then the meet would come and I would freeze.  When I was in practice, if I signed up for a 200 ( 8 lengths of the pool) I would have to do a 200. stop, wait a minute, do another 200, stop ,wait and so on at least 8 or 10 times.  That way when the race actually came one little 200 was so easy it was no problem.  I must handle these songs this way too.  It will help a lot.  Wish me luck and take care

Sometimes things get stuck

I have had a bad few days lately.  I have been really down and really desperate to change anything about my life.  I get sad at anything.  Not even my beloved movies don't cheer me up.  I am at my wits end.  I was watching Glee on demand last night.  It was all about trying for the school musical.  We never had musicals in high school when I was there.  It might have been difficult for me to be in one since dancing while using a wheelchair needs some careful choreography at best.  I do have fond memories of trying to fit in on a show choir type song and always smile a bit at Glee for having Artie.  I do love a musical though.  I have seen several on and off Broadway.  That may be why I woke up and had this song playing in my head all day

The lyrics of the song are as follows.
Maybe this time I'll be lucky..Maybe this time he'll stay.
Maybe this time for the first time, love won't hurry away.
He will hold me fast.  I'll be home at last.
Not a loser anymore like the last time and the time before.

Ev'ry body loves a winner so nobody loved me.
Lady peaceful, Lady happy
That's what I long to be.

All the odds are in my favor Something's bound to begin.
It's gotta happen happen sometime
Maybe this time I'll win.


This song is about being accepted finally.  I think most people have felt like an outcast at sometime.  Some people never find their place in the world.  I am very worried I will never find my place.  In order not to be driven absolutely crazy, some part of me must need to be optimistic that my life will change.  I am trying to make things better.  This song is for all the optimists.  Hang in there and hope for each other.  Take Care

Kitty Issues

Today may be the last of the beautiful days for fall.  I had to mail in my first weeks job contacts so I stepped out to mail a letter.  I enjoyed sitting out but fighting cats brought me back inside.  I get so frustrated with them.  I am tired of two of them fighting all the time.  Now they will be OK inside. If my Minnie goes out Pepper tries to stop her from coming back in.  If I lock them in they will eventually fight and the smaller cat Minnie will cower in the corner or hide someplace where I don't see her for weeks.  When I first figured out this was happening last year.  I would bring Minnie in after her being missing for a week or so.  She would hide in a covered box. By the next morning she would be gone and it would be another week or so for me to get her.  I have sprayed pepper with salt water until he is soaked in the back.  I have locked both of them in separate rooms. Neither of them liked that. Today Minnie was trying to wait for me to open the door to get in and Pepper chased her across the street.  I went in and got the spray bottle.  While Pepper was waiting to cross the street Minnie snuck up behind Pepper.  When he crossed the street and ran away from the spray bottle,  Minnie ran in the house.  Now they are less than 5 feet away from each other.  Both are resting.  It seems like a game to Pepper but not a game to Minnie.  She is honestly hiding and cowering unless I am there.  I know it stems from jealousy but I have tried to praise Pepper and pet him when he behaves well.  It just doesn't stick.  A few weeks later he chases Minnie away or tries to keep her from coming home.  Things have gotten better.  I see Minnie every day.  I know she eats.  I wake up at night sometimes to find Pepper at my feet and Minnie on my shoulder. I worry though that when and if I ever work again Minnie will disappear  and die somewhere of starvation because I could not monitor the situation and work.  I would love to say that my four legged children are more important than any job.  We all know that is not true. I have gone back and forth about giving up Pepper.  I don't want to break any one's heart even a kitty's.  All he has to do is stay away from her.  It's not much to ask but it's a lot for him.What do I need to do to teach him to leave her alone?  Suggestions are appreciated.  Take Care

Not a bad day but A new worry

It's been a decent few days.  It's been warm so I am not worried about heat.  I went to see my care provider's play.  I thought she did a great job.  She even acted a bit more than she did when we ran lines together.  The history of her church was interesting.  She rocked her costume. The plain brown skirt from my wardrobe plus a shirt from Goodwill a scarf on her head and a hat for later really worked! How cool what a little imagination can do. Now I have a new worry though. I need to change from happy to scared There is yet another round of unemployment coming.  I would like to take part.  I need the extra for heat until energy assistance comes in.  The problem that I have is that they require 4 job contacts per week.  You must turn in a paper with a list of your contacts.  If they don't get the list you don't get benefits.  I think the contact list is actually a good thing.  I like showing people how much I have tried.  People need to see that when you have a disability you can try and try for jobs and no one will hire you.  Maybe they can report these findings and people will stop and think about why they are excluding people with disabilities so often.  The problem I have is that there may not be four jobs I can do.  I have no problem working a minimum wage job if that's all there is but I need to be able to do the majority of the job.  For example I would never apply to be a ditch digger. Since I cannot use a shovel or dig a ditch. Some one told me that there was a local company asking for temp workers to work door to door.  I told her I couldn't do that job.  When she asked why, I reminded her that I couldn't go door to door if I couldn't actually reach the door to knock on it.  Most houses don't have ramps to get to the door.  Her own home included.  A job dealing with people is preferred.  Another rule of this program is that you cannot turn down a job.  If you are offered one you must take it.  As long as I think I can do it I will take it.  The only thing I can do is keep looking but it's wearing me down.  There is only so much rejection a person can take before they feel like nothing and people with disabilities often get to that point and beyond.  I can tell you if I did not need this money I would not do this program.  I am beyond the point of feeling like nothing.  I never thought I wold be the person with the disability who would give up but I just don't see it getting any better.  I may have to swallow the fact that I will never work again.  I may never achieve the self sufficiency I wanted for myself.  This is not hat I wanted.  Anyway take care and good luck

I must speak up about this.

I recently heard a news story about two teenage boys in California.  Both of them were around the age of 14.  Both boys came from abusive family backgrounds. The difference between them is one was beginning to dress more feminine and come out as gay.  The other was not. I read in the press and watched on TV that the boys picked on EACH OTHER.  One made fun of the other because of his sexual orientation and the other boy used his gender identity and sexual orientation to make the person picking on him uncomfortable. It also made fellow students question the shooter's orientation. One day the boy who was not gay took a gun and shot his gay classmate in the head twice.  The shooting took place in the middle of the classroom during class.  The killer was taken into custody and three years later the trial is about to begin. Now at issue; Is this boy being tried as an adult.

I know what it is like to be bullied.  I have also grown up with friends who are gay. To be honest when I was in middle school if I saw a guy who liked to dress in women's clothes I would be a bit uncomfortable too. I do not believe this person should be tried as an adult.  I think we have a great chance here to study what makes this kind of human being take that kind of action.  Why did he kill?  What made him snap?  Put this kid in a psychiatric facility and keep him there until he is more stable.  Then don't just release him but watch him for a while.  A 14 year old does not have the brain that an adult does.  They have a lot more learning and growing to do before they are adult.  Do not put this boy in an adult prison.  We should not throw away two lives.  This is our chance to see what we can do to stop situations like this from happening again.  We need to be honest with ourselves as a society and realize that we reject and shun people that are different on a daily basis.  In school kids that are different are scary they make kids feel uncertain.  Kids make fun to show power over the one that is different.  I am not like her so I make fun.  Or If I make fun I will fit in with the group that I want.  In society as adults those of us that are different may not be made fun of ,but we are not hired or kept from doing our job.  Or we aren't allowed to participate in activities or we are isolated from others.  We need to stop this at 5 or 6 or 14 so that at 30 or 40 we don't do this to anyone at anytime.  There is a whole movement about anti bullying.  I agree that we should be doing this.  If we are really going to tackle this issue we need to look at it from every side.  That means that bin order to raise fair and tolerant children we should be fair and tolerant adults.  Most of us have a lot of work to do.  Anyway take care

In a bad mood today.

I'm in a mood today.  I want to do nothing.  I mean nothing.  This mood semi concerns me.  It could mean I am not feeling well.  It could mean the beginning of another major depressive episode.  It could be that my hormones are going a bit nuts and I just need to wait it out.  Either way I hated life today.I did not want to get  the four legged children together for their morning snack.  I did not really want to get out of my chair before choir; (if I don't get out sitting so long will be painful)  Then when it was time to get in the chair again I did not want to get in.  I really did not want to go to choir.  I did not want to eat.  I just did not want to do anything except watch TV and sleep.  What a day!

When I was being teased horribly by kids in school the one fun thing I did was sing.  On a good day, the same kids who laughed and made fun of my bladder issues would give me a standing ovation in the school talent show.  My choir teacher would pick the music for me but I could rock a song.  This same teacher taught you that there is no excuse for missing a rehearsal except illness or death.  She also said that death of self or immediate family was the only reason to miss a performance.  By the time I got to be a senior in high school all the stresses at home and at school turned into a pretty bad flu.  After a day or two of missing school because I honestly could not move without help, my dad finally found a doctor who took my temperature and announced I definitely needed to stay home.  I took a week off of school.  That meant I missed three choir classes (these were rehearsals).  At the end of that semester I got a B in chorus.  Dad was more mad than I was.  I was so used to her policy I understood the grade and tried to explain it to my dad.  :)  So Ms.  Wright if you are out there.  You are the reason I dragged myself to choir today.  You are the reason I call the director if I need to miss anything.  Another thing she used to do is put us in trios (groups of three)  and quartets (groups of four) all with different parts to make sure we knew our music.  People hated it.  It built my confidence.  After high school, too many not good enoughs and too many missed solos have ruined my confidence.  I would really love to get it back.  I loved feeling like a star even if I will never be one.  How do I build my confidence back?  Be your own star and take care

Today was sort of a working day

I worked on stuff a bit today.  I made sure that my bills were budgeted so that I would have money left over to pay next month's mortgage by the first.   I made a list of a small Avon order.  The next order goes in tomorrow by noon and I need to check a ring size before I put the order in.  I made a poster that says I am selling Avon.  My care provider will take it in to epilepsy along with the first holiday catalog.I ate some leftover soup and a can of ravioli for dinner.  Not the best but I won't starve either.  My fridge is looking a little bare though.  I have two days before I get anymore money.  My roommates usually pay me on the 5th.  This month I am taking some of their money and putting it into my bank.  I am trying to keep really good track of what I spend.  I really want to start saving for my homeowners insurance due in December.  It's a huge chunk of money and I have a hard time getting it every year but I seem to make it.  Let's hope I make it this year. 

I have to say I am ready to have some fun again.  I am wondering what inexpensive thing can I do?  I need to check out the colleges activities.  I know there is a homecoming barbecue and football game in November.  My care provider has her church play this Saturday.  That ought to be some fun.  I did help her with lines and costume choices so I am curious to see what the finished play looks like.  Now I am going to get ready for bed.  It's cold I want to get under the covers.  Happy October and take care. 

I am reminded today

I got a reminder today that fall is here and soon I will need to get some kind of heat in here.  I have hot oil base board heat.  This means that oil heats water through a small boiler in my laundry room.  The hot water gets circulated through the pipes in my house. These pipes give off heat that heats the house.  It is a very good heat when you have oil.  Right now I don't have oil.  I try to keep the house at 65 degrees to help save the amount of oil I use but oil is very expensive and I hate being cold.  I mean I HATE being cold.  It actually hurts all the bones that have been broken and The joints and muscles that have not been affected by my 2 car accidents will become very stiff and tight.  This will make it more difficult for me to move around.  I have a Snuggie.  It's one of those blakets you can wrap your self up in.  It does help.  I can't wear it when I sit in the chair. It gets in the way of the wheels.  The Snuggie becomes a fancy blanket.  I can only use it when I am out of the chair. I do have energy assistance.  It helps pay for some of this stuff.  I can' rely on that though. The reason why I can't rely on energy help is because I applied in the beginning of July.  I was approved but now its the beginning of October and the check has yet to be given to my electric company.  I will get assistance for heat but it supposed to come in November.  At the rate they are going it may not get here until January and its time to re apply.

I know it seems that I am a broken record.  I complain about one thing and then get that resolved and complain about the next thing.  I don't want to be like this.  I do want to let people see what it's like to live with a disability and depend on public assistance for everything.  It's not I have my disability money for fun and the government takes care of the rest.  It's a struggle to live.  I love to shop for clothes and things and go to shows and movies and trips.  On public assistance all that stops.  Your food stamps don't get you to the end of the month.  You have to spend some of your disability money.  The energy and heat assistance may pay for a month or two but you have to pay the rest.  If you are lucky enough to get housing help, government money doesn't pay for it all.  You must pay too.  So before you know it your 6 or 7 hundred dollar a month check is gone.  You are left with nothing.  You are now sad and depressed because you have no money to have fun with.  All you do is wait for the few days or week or whatever until the first of the month and you get money again.  You learn to go from one free place to another and get whatever crap you can get.  You also learn that if you do get money you must hide it or spend it before anyone knows about it. If you don't your assistance gets taken away. That really doesn't help people learn to save and prepare for later in life.  I am grateful for the assistance I have gotten.  I wish it covered more but I know that more people need this now and money needs to be spread out.  I just wish we could make it so people who need this assistance are not people who are homeless or a step above.  We rally need to find some way to bring back a middle class.  If you consider that it now takes about $2,000 per month to run my home. With roommates I get about 1650.00 per month.  You see my issue.  When I do have a job I feel rich because I am not used to having money left over.  When I was making 21,000 a year  and getting money from roommates I had to be reminded I was still under the poverty level.  By no means do I expect the government to give me money to make me rich.  I sure wish they would help me not be broke.  The next time you see someone with a disability spending their money on something really stupid, try to remember for that day, at that time, they were probably just sick of being a victim of the system.   Take Care

Look at the little things.

I actually had a pretty good day today.  There was lots of sun when I woke up.  All four legged children were safe and loving.  I had to go to the store today.  The four legged children had no morning tuna.  (It keeps them happy so they don't fight as much)  I could not decide what I wanted for dinner.  I also had no frozen veggies in my freezer.  So I checked and I had $60 left on my food stamps and a little cash from AVON.  It was enough to get a little at the store.  I bought some ground beef and ground turkey.  I also found a small chuck roast for my crock pot and some hot dogs.  I got some frozen veggies, some Granola Thins, some small chips, some soda, some milk, some tomato sauce, a turkey sub, and of course some tuna.  I was hoping I would not go over and have to put back.  Not only did I not go over, the food stamp card covered everything.  I didn't have to pay any cash.  This means that I will end this month with some, not much but some cash in my pocket.  Though I am still broke this makes me feel less broke and I think that is important. 

The other thing I got to do today was be a bit creative.  My care provider is in a play celebrating the origins of her church.  She has a decent part and I got to go shopping online without spending any money.  We needed to look for a costume for her.  The 1800's puts her in the Victorian era.  I love Victorian era clothes.  We saw some clothes at a web site.  I had a long brown skirt that would work and she found a white button down blouse at Goodwill.  Some black shoes with a small heal and a hat will do if we can find it.  It really doesn't matter if it looks old.  The women of this church were poor.  I love doing this kind of stuff.  How do you get to be a personal shopper?  I don't know.  I bet you need to know the rich and famous.  I don't.  Oh well.  

I have also been given permission to drop my Avon stuff off at my local agency.  I can do more creative stuff here.  Flyer's and the books will do well here.  I may get some new customers.  Yea.  It feels good to feel good if that makes any sense.  This is my mood today.  Take care

Do you ever

Do you ever wonder what people are thinking?  Not just gee I wonder what he's thinking.  More like,  What in blazes are they thinking when they do this?  I do quite often.  The latest target of my what in blazes statement are my roommates.  They have a family member who gets housing and other services from a local agency for the mentally ill.  I get services from their clinic due to my own issues with depression but I have never received any type of housing or other services  from this agency.  I have received mixed reviews from people who do get services from there.  My roommates are very cash poor but reasonably educated people who seem to lack some social skills.  The family member has a severe mental illness and has been institutionalized in the past but functions with supports fairly well. (some say better than my roommates)

I need to describe them a bit so you get the idea.  These are people who have both had at least 2 years of college.  They are mother and son. She has a 4 year education degree.  He has a two year human services degree.  It seems to be social work basics. They have their own bond and I honestly get along with the son better.  It is clear that in this family mom is in charge.  My roommate the son gets upset easily and will often need to be left alone. He will often pout.  He is older than me I am 44 this year.  He is not the one with the mental illness.  The son with the mental illness was diagnosed with a severe mental illness as a teenager.  This was not common for the time.  He had to be institutionalized for most of his teenage years and some of his young adult years.  They don't say much about his symptoms but I got the fact that it was very scary for everyone.  My roommates have lived here almost a year and I do a WTF almost daily. (Those of you who know me will know what I mean)  Here's why.  He has a two year degree in human services and because he has little money, he and his mom often go to the community for help and low cost programs.  He gets mad when those programs get cut.  Yet they do not believe in big government.  WTF?  Where do they think the money comes from?  The latest WTF is that they wanted to get the son that gets services from an agency a flu shot.  The agency was hesitating on helping schedule such things.  The agency became bad at their jobs and a bad place to get services.  This coming from someone with a human services background.  Here is why I do a WTF. 

1. No one ever talked to the son getting services to see if he wanted a flu shot.
2. No one ever talked to the agency to see if they were giving flu shots.
3. No one ever talked to the agency to see what the problem was.

Now feelings are hurt. People are angry.  All they need to do is ask why.  It's just a little word but it means a lot. 

I have two degrees a Bachelor of Arts in Sociology and  a Master's degree in adult education.  I do not have a social work degree.  I can still see that something else is going on here.  I went to choir practice to clear my head and when I came home I told them that I was an outsider looking in but I think that my roommates need to answer these questions before they get all upset.  It could also be that the staff at the agency would like to see this person speak up for himself more often so that he can begin to express his own wants and needs.  He has been out of the institution for decades now.  These are important skills.  If the agency wants him to do it himself, they will not jump just because the family wants it.  I'd like to think I am a good advocate both for myself and for others if needed.  I know it can be hard sometimes.  We all want to jump in and fix the issue or problem.  Sometimes it's just about giving someone the tools to do it themselves.  Please ask and work for what you want you will never get it otherwise.  Take Care

There is is job fair coming up

There is a job fair coming up in town here.  I am trying to decide if I want to spend money to go to it.  I have been to two of these job fairs since I have been out of work.  It gets to the point where you can almost tell by the looks on people's faces, there is no place for me here.  That is how I feel too there is no place for me here.  I am too disabled and not happy sitting on my butt all day doing nothing.  I used to look at a job fair with some excitement.   It's my chance to network.  My chance to tell people I am here!  Now I look at the fliers and think What is the point?  When people look at you they see a chair.  Even those who supposedly are trained to see the human being.  They just channel you to the disability people.  I have already been there several times.  I need a new place to look or new thing to do.  Madonna gets to reinvent herself every few years.  Why can't I?  OK so I don't have the rocking body.  I may not have all the talent but I am talented and I can do something.  My last employers made me feel like nothing towards the end but my understanding was they did that to a lot of people.  When they were done with you they were done and that was it.  I have done some other things that would lead someone to believe that I would be an asset.  I love talking.  I will listen to any one's issue and try to find a solution.  I like understanding all sides of things.  I need to deal with this the same way I dealt with the house mess.  From the point of view of this isn't working what else can I do?  If anyone has any ideas of things I might be able to try I am open. 

I.m thinking I need to branch outside of this closed place.  With Internet access a phone and a voice I should be able to do this.  Is there a class is self marketing?  I bet if I knew how to market myself better I could be a little more successful and a little less desperate.  Honestly I can see things may be getting better for me but it's just too slow I want to help it along.  Who can I write and say "HIRE ME!"  Who can I talk to that just might make a difference?  I need to take ACTION.  The definition of insanity is doing the same behavior over and over expecting a different result.  I may be crazy and sometimes a bit stupid but I am not insane!  It's time to change my path.  Not sure where yet.  I'll keep ya posted.  All I know is every time I say I'm giving up I have a voice in my head that says no!  Maybe we should listen to that voice.  Take care and be safe.  shop Avon

Things seem OK now

I am so glad things are settling down.  I sleep better now that I am not worried that every knock on the door is the sheriff serving me with foreclosure papers. My bank could still file papers, but I have a real weapon now with this EMA loan.  I have paid October's payment so I feel much more confident that things will work out.  I am waiting for next months money to come in so I can do something for fun.  Me and my care provider talked about going to a local restaurant for some local Chicken and dumplings or something like that.  These dishes are popular here though they are not good for you.  With the care provider here I have certainly eaten my share of dumplings.  A nice lunch out though will lift my day. 

Another thing going well is Avon.  I have put in orders for every campaign.  These orders are not huge most of the time but they are something.  I do not like that there needs to be a 50 dollar minimum.  It's bad for Avon to make this a minimum when people don't have much money.  So far I have gotten some really good orders.  Both personal orders and on the web site. To shop Avon go here.  Bigger orders are hard for me because people don't want to give their money before the order comes in.  The way it works is I place an order to Avon. I have to pay Avon the cost of this order.  Then if I don't owe Avon I get  a percentage of the total order.  If someone orders 200 dollars worth of product, I can't pay 200 dollars because I don't have that money.  Unless you pay when you place the order, I can't place that order.  I have had it happen twice now where someone asks me to place an order but they never pay me.  Then I have to cancel the order.  It's kinda why I push the web site.  I still get the credit, but your products go directly to you.  It's the best of both worlds.

I got some bad news today though.  The teacher who's class I normally speak to cannot fit me in this semester.  This is a bad thing.  I love doing these classes. I love the idea that something I am doing is making people think a lot.  I also need the money.  This was supposed to be extra fun money.  I was hoping to be able to shop or see a movie or something. Nothing I can do about it though except hope things will change.   I can do the speaking at a moments notice if I can get there.  Not much more to say today.  That's whats is going on in my world.  Chat with me on Facebook or drop me a line to tell me what's up with you.  Take care

Sorry I haven't written.

I am sorry I haven't written in so long.  I haven't been sick.  I haven't given up on writing since no one really seems to read this and I never seem to get many comments.  My blog is definitely not a popular one.  I haven't even been thrown out of my house yet.  In fact I have spent the last week or so finalizing the papers for Emergency Mortgage Assistance.  This is a state program that helps people who are behind in their mortgage.  The state loans you up to 50,000 dollars to catch your mortgage up.  They then support you in paying part of your mortgage for two years.  After the two years are over.  You must pay your mortgage on time for another five years.  If you have paid everything on time, you do not have to pay back this loan.  This loan is only for people who really want to stay in their home.  There are other things to do if you need to give it up.  for more info on mortgage assistance go to Hope.  Right now they are not taking new applications but it pays to speak to people who help with these matters.  On your states web site there may be links that will help you with foreclosure issues.  Try to stay with people within your own state it makes things easier.  I have learned that from personal experience.  Find out what the foreclosure laws are in your state even if your mortgage company is not in your state the property address makes a difference.  Don't give up and walk away unless you have no other choice.  An abandonment or foreclosure can really wreck your credit.  You will need credit to find  a new place if needed.  If you are looking for help, call and write everyone you can think of.  Stick with places like Housing and Urban Development and Congressmen Senators Governor's and even the US President.  You never know who can help you.  Pay your mortgage company as regularly as you can.  Cut back on other things and even fun stuff.  A roof is more important. 

After I signed the papers for the EMA loan earlier this week, I slept.  I slept for 10 hours for at least 2 days.  I feel like I can really concentrate on getting a job and doing other things in my life.  I would really like to make some new friends maybe find a significant other.  I don't really like on line dating.  I really like talking to someone face to face.  How can I set things up to develop the art of conversation?    It also looks like I am getting some help with the rest of my household bills too.  The state's energy assistance program has come through for me.  It isn't a lot of money but it will help for at least 2 months.  The only thing that bothers me is that the mortgage company is still harassing me for a short sale.  I think this is because it takes time to receive payment.  They haven't received it yet.  We will see what happens.  Things seem to be looking up.  Hope it's the same for you.  Take Care  Do your Christmas shopping with me buy Avon .

I have to say something about 9/11

It has been 10 years since the worst terrorist attacks the U.S.  has ever seen.   It has been 10 years since my dad died.  He died in December of 01.  When 9/11 happened he was showing signs of being ill.  I was working at the local library then.  They had pulled out a small TV so we could all see the news reports.  I remember watching the tower fall.  It crumpled like a paper accordion.  I was worried about my dad who was spending days on the couch.  I was horrified at what I was seeing on the news.  When I got home that day the horrifying images were still on TV.  I remember my father saying "This is an act of war!"  Though I believe in avoiding and preventing war at almost all costs, this time I could not disagree with him. Some one had come into our country and took innocent lives.  The people who died on this day were either trying to get through a basic work day or trying to help someone who had been a victim of this act.  This was the first real act of war I had ever seen. 

I went to NY that year just to have some fun.  The bus drove by the hole where the towers once stood.  I remember thinking "I don't want to see this!"  I went to NY to have fun not to cry or wonder about those who passed on.  I came home the next day and showed dad the playbill from the play I saw and whatever junk I bought from a street vendor.  Shortly after that day we took him to the hospital.  Two weeks after he was admitted to the hospital.  He passed away.

My father almost never gave me money.  Few people know that he did give to other people.  Once a lady came to the door asking to use the phone.  I was alone in the house so I did not let her in and blocked the door with my chair.  The lady was trying to convince me to let her in.  My dad came home in the middle of all this and I told him she wanted to use the phone because she did not have money for a taxi. She needed to call a relative.   Dad gave her 20 dollars!  Once his car had been broken into and they stole a jacket.  Dad said "Well they must have needed it."  When I think of 9/11 I can't help but have memories of my dad.  I often said he must have been needed in heaven to sort out all the mess from 9/11.  I am sad and angry that all those people died.  I am sad and angry that my dad is dead.  We have different reasons to grieve, but we grieve just the same.  I hope my dad thinks of me.  I think of him every day.  I don't have much of a reason for him to be proud.  I hope that changes soon.  I hope the futures of the families that are grieving are happy ones.  May your anger and sadness be changed into hope and action.  Take care

Today I have had it!

Today was just one of those days.  I spent most of the day on the computer and phone trying one more time to help myself in this housing mess.  I spoke with yet another bank representative who told me that they have not given the underwriter the information he needs because they do not have permission from me.  WHAT!  After I don't know how many phone calls to both the underwriter and the bank.  I am almost on my knees begging for the right information going to the right people.  How long am I supposed to wait here?  I finally wrote a letter and faxed it to my bank saying that the state can look at my file.  If anyone had told me I needed this I could have done it much earlier!  I know the state has a release from me.  I remember signing it.  Hopefully this letter will open up some lines of communication.

I really really want to be an up beat person.  I can feel life dragging me down.  I just spoke with the underwriter who says he is not worried.  He is a nice guy but his job is to sign papers and look at numbers all day long.  There is a human being and three four legged children here.  Though they have no idea whats up they do know their parent and grandparent is stressed.  This is a huge part of me stabilizing my life after a huge drop.  I am trying I really am trying to make my life better.  I have some support.  I hope it's enough to get me through this.  Take care.

Now I am really worried.

I have spent the better part of most of my life fighting for one thing or another.  Usually I fight to be a part of something.  Sometimes I fight to go somewhere.   Sometimes I fight to get a new service or new program.  I like it best when I am fighting for someone else to get what they want.  I hardly ever fight for things to stay the same.  Today though that is what I am doing.  I am now getting paperwork from my mortgage company encouraging me to apply for a government short sale.  The short sale is what you can do when you can't pay your mortgage.  You sell your home. (Usually for less than what you owe) Then you give that money to the bank that has your mortgage and you walk away.  They agree not to pursue the rest of what you owe.  A lot of people have success with a short sale.  It can be a good thing for people who have no other way out.

I have been told I have a way out!  An underwriter for my states housing authority has agreed to give me a loan to make the mortgage current!  But I can't seem to get the correct paperwork to the correct people!  This is really scary and irritating.  I worry all the time.  I am sad.  I know that if things go bad here and I have to leave it will break my spirit and I will not survive it.  The thought of having to give up the four legged children brings me to tears.  With a broken wheelchair I went to choir practice.  People kept looking at me and asking, "Are you OK?  or  "How are you doing?"  I knew I wasn't myself.  I have a few months and a few things I can do yet.  One thing I might have to do is wait until they actually put me in foreclosure, get the paperwork from that and send it to the state who will then hopefully quickly issue a check to the mortgage company.  But so far the paperwork has not been filed.  I am technically not in foreclosure and would like to avoid it.  I may also be able to get free advice from a lawyer who knows the law in my state.  It might help.  It might not.  I would hate to lose my home because of a technicality.  Put me in your prayers.  I need them.  and take care.

Things are starting to settle down

Between the hurricane and my life in general I have been feeling like things are in a big disaster.  Though I he think I have found some help to prevent foreclosure, things are still proceeding in a bad way and mostly because the company that has my mortgage is so slow with the paperwork no one gets what they need until much later and then it's too late.  So just when I think I can put my anxieties aside and get a decent nights sleep for once something else stops it.  What do I do in this case?  I sit on the phone between mortgage companies and underwriters and lawyers.  I need customer service but I get transferred to collections.  I need answers to questions that no one knows the answers to.  I am really preparing to go to court and hoping it never has to happen.  (If my mortgage company would get off their A##, and send appropriate paperwork, I would be OK.)  I really am tired of limbo it's a bad place to be. 

I have dreams of getting a job and selling Avon and getting enough money to go back to school and becoming the areas best mediator.  If I can control my emotions better this is doable.  Mediation is a process where two people sit down with a third party and try to come to a solution that both parties can live with.  In order for mediation to work well, the mediator cannot take sides.  This is hard to do because we all have our personal opinions and beliefs.  I love mediation and have seen it work well.  I have also seen it go bad and when it goes bad IT goes BAD,  If you are a mediator you must respect the process.  But people have their own views of things and sometimes they flat out lie.  Other times the solution is right in front of you and the people involved are too close to see it.  Mediation can be done in divorce child custody, Americans with Disabilities Act cases and any sort of family conflict you can dream of.  I have mediated some practice cases and got good feedback.  It is like teaching for me and takes a lot of my energy.  If I do work out this house issue and go back to school it will be hard work.  School has always been the place that I go when I hit rough patches in my life.  This one has been the roughest.  I am ready for a smoother road.  Even if the road is a bit uphill.  Take care  Buy Avon

Back from the depths of my own hell

I have survived the hurricane.  On Saturday August 27, we had all prepared for the hurricane we had coming.  As my care provider was getting me ready to withstand the storm, a stupid police officer rode by and stated that we were under a mandatory evacuation.  My street as listed but only part of the street was under evacuation according to the local news website.  I called the hurricane hot line the day before and asked about my address.  They said I was not in a mandatory evacuation area.  Now I have the police riding up and down my street!  I have no bags packed and I have no transport out.  My care provider is now worried for my safety.  I am ANGRY.  I want to stay.  I live with 2 others who have a say in such a situation.  My care provider returns to her home and calls 911 from there.  I get a call from the local health department telling me she had called.  The health department also tells me that I am NOT in an evacuation area.  I told them the police came riding up and down my street.  The health department then called the fire department to get me out.  I really thought I was better off staying.  But my roommates also had a say and they decided since the police came by and one wanted to go and one wanted to stay so we left.  We had to go to a local emergency shelter.  Though this shelter took pets I did not have time to pack my four legged children who hate cages anyway.  So now I am on my way to the shelter in a fire truck, without my motorized chair and worried to death about my animals.

At the shelter, you got a cot and if you were lucky, a pillow and blanket.  I brought my own pillow but it did not matter.  I could not get up and down off the cot and if I got help to get down, there would be no way for me to get up the three or four times a night I use the bathroom.  I had to stay up in my chair the whole night.  About 4 or 5 in the morning things were just painful.  To top it off they kept it cold in the shelter to prevent the spread of germs.  I went home via transit on Sunday.  I had stayed up in my chair for 26 or 27 hours.  When I was able to get out of my chair I slept for 15 hours!  This horrible misadventure will never happen again.  I will not evacuate unless I am really sure something is going to flood my home.  Then I will go to my family's home.  I can't get up and down there either but there are people to help.  If I ever end up homeless, I will happily let my crazy family drive me crazy if they will give me a roof over my head!  I am happy to be home!  And all four legged children are dry and accounted for.  Take Care

update on hurricane

They have actually evacuated the buildings across the street from me.  The apartments across the street are much closer to the river.  I have not been ordered to evacuate.  We seem to have a new thing popping up.  Pet friendly shelters.  I LOVE this idea.  I think we learned a lot from Hurricane Katrina.  After that hurricane several pets had lost their homes and gotten separated from their owners.  Some were adopted by other people.  I am sure some had to be euthanized.  It probably cost more to find, hold and care for those pets than it does to have a pet friendly shelter.  I will stay here with my four legged children unless the evacuation becomes mandatory.  I hope that my cats will try to stay indoors.   They can sometimes act really weird during bad storms. 

I am worried about this storm.  Too many people are too alarmed.  I feel as prepared as I am going to get though I wish I had a radio.  Good luck to everyone.  Stay safe and work together.  Hope for the best, expect the worst.   Have a good day.

I am asking for a change.

We have a hurricane coming.  I hate this type of weather.  My life and my home is based on electronics working.  If my electronics do not work,  I am basically screwed.  I have no way to get to a shelter.  I also hate to leave the 4 legged children.  I do have peanut butter and some other food to eat in the event that I am unable to cook.  I may be without computer access for several days so If you do not hear from me for three or so days do not panic I am OK. After 5 days if I have not posted a blog contact theEpilepsy Association of the Eastern Shore.  They can tell anyone if I am OK or check on me if I cannot be reached.  We should do what they do in the Carribean.  In St Croix they have hurricane prayers.  Obviously the Caribbean Islands get hurricanes all the time.  Sometimes the prayers work, sometimes not but it can't hurt.

Emergency or disaster relief is a big deal for anyone but it's huge for some people with disabilities.  Everybody really does need to have a disaster kit.  The kit should contain water, food that does not need to be cooked, basic first aid stuff, and medicine you need at the least.  After that I would recommend flashlights and batteries, a pillow and blanket and anything you need to keep you entertained. Preferably not games that need charging or electricity.  If you need to evacuate please know pets cannot be taken to shelters with you.  If you need to leave your home leave enough food and water for a few days.  Tell someone that you trust know your leaving.  If you have a friend or family member that is able to, have them stop by your home and refill food containers.  Canned tuna or chicken can be used to feed cats and dogs if you run out of pet food.  (Just make sure you have enough for yourself)  Know that you will be uncomfortable for a few days or so but it will pass. 

I would be better off if I had a generator.  I really would like one but you can see that the price is a hefty one.  I sure hope the storm changes course. 

On a good note,  I am getting more enquiries about AVON.  I hope they lead to sales. Start the hurricane prayer.  Be careful and take care.

Long Frustrating day

I had a bad day today.  I had a Doc appointment at 12 noon.  I like my Doc.  He is young and cute and seems to know his stuff.  But I got there about 20 minutes early,  and waited and waited.  I hate waiting I am not good at it.  I had my care provider's company thank goodness. I was  brought back right at noon and given a temperature and blood pressure check.  Then I had to go back to the waiting room because no room was available.  I waited about an hour!  My transport home had come and gone.  I did talk to her and tell her this office was extremely busy.  Medical runs usually do take a lot of time.  There are often missed trips partly because of poor planning and partly because of too busy clinics and doctor's offices.  Knowing that my transport had left and will need to come back shoots my anxiety level way up.  This does not do my blood pressure well.  The house mess and all the other financial worries don't help either.  After another 15-20 minutes I was called back to see the doc.  My blood pressure was up.  With all my worries and a genetic component for high blood pressure, it does not surprise me that medication might be in order.  I also got new asthma meds (the other ones did not work)  We talked about getting some weights or a medicine ball for some exercise.  I hate having flabby arms.  And the diet issue came up though I think I am doing better.  With the care provider here there is much less fast food in the house.

Then I got home. (thanks to a transit driver who understood how busy it was and worked to fit me in)  I spent several hours on the phone trying to get information on the house mess and any utility help and got nothing.  Wait and call back next week.  Make sure that you give everyone the time to do what they need to do.  I get it I do.  There are thousands of people in the same boat I am.  All this takes time.  So I hurried, hurried, hurried to get paperwork in.  Now what do I do?  I wait.  Remember, I hate waiting.  It makes me anxious. There goes my blood pressure! 

When I got home from the doc, there were 2 boxes from Avon.  One was your basic Avon welcome kit and stuff that I ordered from my last order and one was a box of Avon books.  I am up to my ears in AVON!  If you know anyone who wants a catalog, post a comment or email me.  I mean it.  anyone HELP!

Not what I thought

Hit a homerun with your next site visit: contacting federal legislators during a congressional recess can be easy and successful with the right approach.(Advocacy ... Update): An article from: Parks & Recreation

Today's boring board meeting was not what I thought It would be.  I figured most people would still be reeling from the last round of budget cuts.  The report from the head of transit was that people seemed to understand why this happened and there was not a lot of decent once the process was explained and the options were explained.  In the end one of the routes was cut and another bus will cover that route plus the route it does.  Everyone agreed it was the best decision that could be made.  What really got the discussion going was the fact that transit covers 3 counties.  Yet not everyone helps shore transit.  They also talked about the fact that the services that are being cut help the poorest people out.  If you have money and a car there is no need for people to take the bus so why be concerned?  Several of the board members said that they have tried talking to government officials.  It seems that they don't listen.

This is where I got to speak.  From an advocacy point of view if you just work for transit and don't take the bus, you are only promoting yourself.  If you want the officials to see how much the buses are needed they have to hear from the people who ride them.  Ask the people who ride to tell you why they ride transit.  Believe it or not personal stories carry a lot of weight.  So write and phone your elected officials when you have these issues.  Things won't magically be made better.  You may not get everything you want.  Those elected officials are there to serve the needs of the community.  They may need to be educated about what those needs are.  Here are some tips.

• Stick to one topic.  If it is transit stick to transit.  Don't talk about all your problems
• Get right to the point.  In letters and phone calls or meetings whatever flowery greetings and a lot of small talk waste time.
• Be friendly even with people who may disagree with you.  You are only stating your issue not starting an argument.
• Be prepared to provide proof of your situation.  Sometimes it helps to show everything that has been done on your own.  You shouldn't be asking for a lot if you haven't tried programs that are already out there.
• Make sure to give the officials time.  Even local government officials have a lot on their plate.  They hear from a lot of people.  
• Keep talking.  If at first you don't succeed try try again.  Old politicians retire or get voted out.  There is always a new ear or another way to say it.

ACT UP and Speak up!  It's your life!    The transit people thought it was a good idea to get the riders involved.  I may have actually helped.  Gosh it made me feel good.

On a good note I may also have gotten a new Avon customer!!  Yea for pocket money!  Take care.

AVON

I had a better day today

Thank goodness for old movies on Turner Classic Movies.  It is Cary Grant day today.  I am a big fan of Cary Grant though Jimmy Stewart is my all time favorite.  It really does stop me from being sad to see North by Northwest or The Philadelphia Story for the 50th or 100th time.  I can recite most of the lines and remeber almost every scene in these movies.  Watching these movies is like talking to an old friend and having real fond memories.  Another favorite I hope to see before the Cary Grant day is out is Father Goose. When I get out of my chair tonight I will see if it is on the schedule.  Most of today has been boring.  Even the four legged children are acting up cause they are so bored.  This is the time when they fight each other and get in each other's faces just for fun.  They hunt when they are bored too.  I keep praying for no bunnies or baby anything to show up in the middle of the night.  It's not that I am not a good pet parent.  I would get my cats any toy they wanted but they get destroyed.  After all it's not like a cat can pick up his toys and put them away. Cat toys left on the floor around here tend to be either swept up, or victims of a 300 pound steel wheelchair.

Speaking of being bored, I have a transit board meeting tomorrow.  With the new $200,000 dollar cut in the budget no matter what I think seems to go in one ear and out the other.  Realistically its hard to expand or improve services when your budget gets cut so deeply.  I really toy with not going but it is a small chance to network a bit, and more importantly I said I would do this and I have to be true to my word .  Sadly, I have nothing else going on.  Oh well nothing much to say today.  Order Avon.  Take care

Today is a down day

I don't feel like myself today.  I am sad.  I am not sure why I am sad.  I have that I am a huge failure feeling today.  I have not been able to cheer myself up.  My care provider is here and she has been a big help but I still feel bad.  I am almost 44 years old and feel like I have done nothing of consequence with my life.  I think I started with the wrong advocacy group to be a true advocate.  This group has as it's biggest agenda to close institutions.  I quite agree that most institutions are out of date.  But you have got to support individuals with disabilities by making sure the community has the appropriate services to support these individuals.  This community definitely DOES NOT support individuals with disabilities well.  Those that are in institutions are protected but kept away from experiences.  People with disabilities within the community struggle day to day with jobs, food, and shelter.  You can forget any idea of a social life.  The system teaches you to beg not to do things or accomplish anything on your own.  I feel like when I do try to accomplish something on my own I get held back by attitudes and misconceptions.  I don't think I will ever break out the way I want to.  I don't feel I will ever get a job or be able to be off of public assistance.

I do know I like working with individuals.  I am sick and tired of systems.  I know I would love to give out whatever information I can to anyone who wants to help themselves to a better life.  I am creative. I am always thinking.  My mind does not rest even when I want it to.  I need supports to turn these talents into a career for me and I have no idea what to look for or ask for.  I think maybe I will contact my friend at the Job Market on Monday and get his ideas on what I should be looking into.  If I am doing something I don't feel as bad.  Avon will only get me a little money.  I need some kind of regular income and I need a career.  How do I get it?  If I could answer that question I would be much happier.  Take Care.

Thought I would have a good day but>>>

I had a great day yesterday.  A really great day.  I went to see The Help.  It was really a great movie.  You laughed you cried.  There were times to be scared and times to be nostalgic.  I wonder how much truth is in this stories.  (Like the secret ingredient in Millie's pie!) It was worth the money I had to pull out of the bank to go see it.  I also had a really good late lunch.  I was not completely full so I took a granola snack to bed.  I was all set to try and doze for a bit.  I had trouble sleeping.  I watched movies I have seen 100 times.  I like to do this.  It comforts me when my brain can't slow down.  Then just when I was falling asleep at around 415 am,  THEY TURNED MY CABLE OFF!!!.  So I'm not sure what is going on.  I sent a bank check to the cable company at least 2 weeks before. Let me clarify. I DID NOT SEND A PERSONAL CHECK THAT COULD HAVE BOUNCED.  I rode the wheelchair to the bank, took cash that my roommates give me for their share and I put cash into a bank check.  I then gave the check to my care provider who mailed it with her bills.  I then CALLED the cable company and told them I sent this payment in when I gave it to my care provider to mail.  Now the company got my care provider's bills.  The cable company told me they never got my check!  How did they not get it!  I am really beginning to hate snail mail.  Too many things get lost or go to the wrong place. 

A bank check works like a money order. You pay the cash, and you get a check made out to whomever.  You also get a receipt.  Before you give the check out, You tear the receipt off and keep it for your records.  I have paid big bills this way.  I don't have much money now so any bills I can pay I try to get out of the way.  Since I had the receipt I figure it should be easy to get another right?               WRONG!

I inform my care provider what happened and ask her if she would take the new check to the office.  She said she would.  I am now really anxious.  Not only do I not have TV, but I don't have phone or Internet either!  I love this blog and my phone line is connected to an emergency button like this one.  So no cable no Internet and no emergency connection!  I hate a quiet house.  At 9 am I go back to the bank show them the receipt, tell them what happened and ask them to stop payment on this one and issue a new one.  But it's not that simple.  I have to sign a paper, get it notarized, the bank manager has to sign, and it has to go to the cable company and someone there has to sign and get that signature notarized.  WHAT a NIGHTMARE!  I explained the situation to one of the bank managers.  She in turn goes to her boss and they agree to take the paper down to the cable company themselves.  I took about half of what was left in my savings to cover that bill in cash and figured I would put the money back when the new check came through or make a double payment and put the money back by skipping a month.  They stopped me on the way home and told me to give them the cash and they would take it when they took the paperwork.  They told me they were leaving right away and this should be done by the end of the day.  When I got home the cable was back on.  It was awfully quick.  Apparently while the people from the bank were there someone posted my bank check and it got my cable and phone back on.  The ladies from the bank say it must have posted today.  But I think someone screwed up and never gave me credit for a payment.  When all the hoopla started, someone found a note or something and finally gave me the credit for payment.  If I call on the phone my account still says well I have not posted a payment since July, an agent says they got the August payment.  Add too all this that my footrest is missing a bolt and nut and I can't use it and I caught my four legged child Minnie torturing a wild bunny.  (The bunny was rescued by my roommate.  It did not seem badly injured and was set free.)  All in all it's been a hell of a day.  A special thank you to the ladies who were so much help.  Thanks to their help, my cash I took out was never spent and has been returned to my account.  They really went above and beyond the call of duty.  I need more rest now.  Take care

Avon updates

I actually put in an order for Avon today.  It was not a huge order but I was excited.  It will maybe give me a bit of pocket money.  This is a big deal considering how tight things are right now.  Even if I can only buy a sandwich with what I make.  I did break down and sign up as an e rep for Avon.  I hope it does not end up costing me money.  If you like to buy Avon go to Avon.  I think the biggest problem with selling Avon is that you don't spend more than you sell.  I am trying to do whatever I can to help me gain sales.  Some of the products are really cool!  It's not just make up anymore.

I also figured out I spend more money without a care provider. When she was resting after her medical issue I went out to eat and had to visit the dollar store more often to get this or that.  With her  I can usually make it through the month without having to take out money.  I could not do that this month.  I did not take a lot out.  I just took out enough money to keep my promise of seeing The Help.  After all I need some fun and it looks like a great movie.  If I like it maybe I will read the book.  It was a bestseller.  I have it in my head that its time for something different though.  I hate when I think this way.  I usually do something or get into a bad deal.  It's that restless feeling that gets me every time.  I will try to make it go away until I have money to support it.  I am so looking forward to tomorrow.  I can't wait.  Hope I am not too excited to sleep.  Isn't it a shame when going with a friend to lunch and a movie makes me feel like a kid at Disney world?  :)
It's a short chat today.  Take care

Not your normal Sunday.

I did not like today.  I did not get to doze much cause my family came over to clean.  I like it when they come but they usually come later in the day.  I did not get to watch any good documentaries or movies.  I spent the day heating up ravioli in a can and eating hot dogs and doing paperwork.  I think I am being punished by God for all the paperwork I should have done and didn't.  from any missed work stuff to any college stuff I should have done but didn't do.  I am making up for it now.  I have all that paperwork from trying to do all the modifications to now the Emergency Mortgage Assistance to filling out applications for public assistance and energy assistance.  I also have any and all job applications and I still have to fill out the paperwork to get my property taxes exempt.  This is due Sept 1. Sometimes they extend the deadline if no one signs up.  If I get my paperwork in by the first deadline I won't have to worry about it. 

It looks like I will have to go to the bank to get monies to go to the movies.  I really hate to take money out.  I don't think I will get a job soon so I need to keep something in savings as much as I can.  I would really like to get going selling AVON but since no one is buying much of anything now.  I don't see that doing much.  I am not writing today to harp on the negative.  I just need to get all my ducks in a row.  I need to do all the paperwork, sit on the phone and beg if I have to to get my life in a better place.  Hopefully my care provider will come back tomorrow and a regular routine will help me feel more secure.  I have been anxious very anxious today. I am hoping I will calm down after a few hands of rummy and getting out of my chair for the night.  I hate to take them but I still have a few pills if needed.

I do have a bit of good news.  I spoke with a member of the faculty at SU.  She is getting her syllabus for her classes and is considering having me for more than 1 day.  She said something about a week. (two or three classes)  That would really be awesome!  If I feel like I am doing something I am always much better.  I hope it pans out.  Good wishes and prayers are needed.  If anyone wants to buy AVON send me a comment or email me.  (it all goes to the same place)  Take care